I might actually be working this season.

It's not that I've never worked before. It's not that I haven't ever worked hard, or done a good job, or done many hours, either in one go or many shifts or.. actually the last 2 are rare. If they happen it doesn't last long. This time I might actually have something resembling a full time job, if only for the summer months. I really shouldn't be saying this because every time I begin to feel confident or think I might be kind of good at something, that's when it all falls apart, so I'll just say "might". Probably not. In fact, almost certainly not what am I talking about? I was talking about something? Are you sure because I don't remember saying anything. I must have been imagining it. Well anyway, hope you're having a nice evening.

Nothing to write home about.

So much has happened, though nothing is really going on. A lot has changed, numerous times in a brief time period, but there's really not much to say, or at least, I don't know just how to say it. What can I say? I moved, I moved again, and moved again, 2 of those moves were to my own place, one was a "crashing" situation. It's already ages ago now, I've longer moved on from those days. there have been people, from people I didn't know before and got to know quite rapidly, to people I've known for years, on and off, quite well to not very much at all which have been part of these past months, some which are still, with similar to very different situations occurring with said people. I've been in the same job for 3 whole months or maybe longer, it seems to be going well though I have a habit of screwing up these situations in an entirely unspectacular manner despite trying my little heart out to be a good worker and so on, that I'm not completely confident with the whole thing.. yet, or maybe not ever, assuming I last much longer which I'm not assuming at all. Having settled in to what is now my own place, for more than temporary, with internet and everything, I've in some ways settled in to my old way of doing things, that is, not doing much at all, and in fact not really having friends, or much of a life. Perhaps that's deep down how I want it and I should stop pretending that I'm more interesting than the kind of person who's like that. It sure would make life easier, but can I be that honest with myself? Should I be, or should I strive for something more? I don't expect answers to those questions, I'm guessing they're rhetorical. That, for the moment is all. Things may change.

The setup

So, here I am. I don't know where to start really. I think I have something permanent, if I choose to and let's face it when it comes down to it I'm quite boring, I want to just settle and have everything be comfortable. One day it will be. Not that it isn't comfortable now but it's not all that comfortable if you know what I mean. Ok it's ok, it's just a mess, a huge mess. I have no furniture or I have not much furniture or I don't have the specific right kinds of furniture and that's my excuse if I had that I wouldn't be living in a mess oh no.. a mess.. not me? Ok so I would, and I will be, even when that day comes when I have all the very most basic things I need to have a real room, because that's who I am, and who I shall continue to be, whatever else happens along the way. It's been ok. It might be alright, possibly even good. Who knows.

Service will be resuming shortly.

I haven't been around much lately, even less than the haven't been around in general for the last year or 3 years or so. Mostly because of stuff. Actually it's entirely because of stuff, but now I'm back, online that is, and I almost have a computer table so soon I will be writing regularly again, or at least as regularly as I was before I stopped writing entirely (for the duration of the time I stopped writing entirely anyway) as opposed to mostly not writing very often and when I did it wasn't much to write home about anyway. So stay tuned. I mean, if you can be bothered.

Fix what?

So life goes on. It seems to be going well, for the most part, as long as I keep everything relating to reality in the back of my mind, which I am. I shall continue to ignore it all as long as it can be ignored. It's what I do. So, pretty much, it needs to be fixed? What needs fixing? Well everything, different things, conflicting things. Everything, you know, my life, the one that's kinda going well, it actually fucked. That's the bit I'm ignoring. There's so much to be fixed I don't even know where to start, I make some tiny steps toward sorting something out and in the process shove some of the other mess onto the mess pile making the other messes bigger. At least I think I am, I'm not sure because as I've mentioned, I'm trying my best to ignore it. It's the usual stuff. Well usual for me which you'd know if I ever bothered with details.. stuff about work, about money, about living space about survival, relationships which have been pretty loosely defined in my life recently, all of it is totally fucked, all of it, and totally. But that's cool, I'm coping. I'm doing small things here and there to mitigate the extent of the disaster but really, when there's so much and it's coming at you from all directions what can you really do? Well drinking helps. I mean it doesn't help but it's part of what one has been doing. And all that goes along with that. I'll check back in a little bit and see how it all turns out.

Too busy living..

Yes, that's it. I don't write because I actually have a life. Well I have a job. I spend a lot of time hanging around "the square" not getting paid, to be honest. Well, sometimes I do. The rest of the time for the most part I've been spending it quietly, if you don't count the week or so I became obsessed with a particular instrument and spent a lot of time learning a few things on it, and once or twice I actually socialized with real people. Otherwise, just hanging out, wasting time. Still in transition, no idea what will become of me by the rest of the month but from this morning I have (I think, I hope) one less thing to worry about, I'm blissfully feeling terrible, but it's great, and it's great. I have plans, oh so many ambitious plans, and I'm seriously thinking about planning a time when I sit down and really consider how I'm going to maybe write down a list of when and how I'm going to maybe implement some of these things.. yes, I'm here bitchez, I'm gonna be out there! That's pretty much it.

On to the next step.

So, recently there have been a lot of changes in my life, change of circumstance, habitat, um, yeah everything really. The beginning of last month was the big moment although stuff happened earlier that led to it, which was quite devastating to me. The last month has been strange, I guess I could say, although I seem to adapt pretty quickly to everything changing completely. I was there, now I'm here, I had this person in my life, now they're.. well over there and I don't really communicate much, and there's this person over here who's in my space, sort of. Yeah.. just that. I did well, if I may say so myself, the main thing was gaining some sort of employment, keeping it and making some money from it and I did that. Amazing what you can achieve if you really fucking have to. It was hairy for a while, took it's time and I thought I was going to be out on my ass again but I had a whirlwind week of something akin to success that made it possible for me to survive. Since then, it's been slower, and less lucrative but I'll probably mention that later at some point. My personal life obviously has been disrupted. Last month, fresh out of a life that I'd been living for years, that I'd been involuntarily kicked out of, here I was, wondering, what the fuck is next. And what came next was.. a bit of everything, working, drinking, working hungover, insomnia.. arguing, fighting, sharing intimate details.. other stuff. A lot I don't remember, but it was all good, even the stuff that wasn't good, and in fact absolutely terrible, because it was what there was at the time. That was February. First month out of my old life. Now, things are different again, people move on, another moves in, business is slow and I'm wondering again, what the fuck is next, what the hell am I going to do with myself now. This time I think I need to make an effort to build some kind of life for myself, because letting it all just happen around me just isn't working anymore.

So um, hi..

Well. Things have changed, things are happening, stuff went down. What can I say, February was a damn interesting month. Now.. what to do with myself?