*sighs* might as well give it a try..

Caption this, if you'd like, and if you're in fact even there.

*crosses off item on list*

I made someone cry yesterday, and I didn't even care.

Really I didn't, not very much, not as much as I have. I was affected somewhat by being called a monster, and having someone who appears to be a sweet person afraid of me.. but mostly confusion on how I could have that affect, perhaps a little upset about it but..

Ok so it wasn't a real life situation, not really, it was class, the Meisner thing, the thing I do that I'm having so much trouble with. Last night's class was going well, for a bit.. I thought I was getting into it more than I have so far this time round.. and despite the negative mood during the exercise, which did affect me, a little bit, I was also kind of pleased that I was generating this kind of response, and responding.. which means I was thinking, and focusing on myself which you're not supposed to do but we're talking about me here.. and what happened was progress, I think.. I thought, at least a tiny little bit.

After the monster thing.. which came before the crying thing (slightly in my defense) I was thinking (there I go again) that I should be really upset about this.. and feel more caring towards this innocent young girl who really was upset at me just saying this shit.. but I didn't, I was just in the exercise and I just didn't care.. that much. I felt I should care more, but I wasn't going to fake it, there would be no point. I thought if I at least honestly portrayed how I felt. ie er sorry but I seriously truly am not really affected by this.. it would be at least something..

Like I said.. tiny tiny progress for someone who really doesn't get this shit.. not a huge thing, but I felt slightly good about it due to that. Then I got the talk.. and it was the same old thing.. I'm holding back, and apparently during the few parts I genuinely felt something and expressed it I was pushing it. Something like that. Meanwhile I made her cry.. she cared enough, in the middle of standing in class looking at someone and saying stuff to do that, for real. And other people have had similarly genuine experiences too.. of course it's hard for everyone, but being able to really care in the middle of it.. is well.. it's the whole point, you can't do that, you're fucked. Pretty much.

And yeah.. I know, not everyone gets it the same way, not everyone progresses at the same level, and has different obstacles to overcome but.. I DID THIS SHIT FOR A YEAR ALREADY! For a fucking year. And I've been going to classes for 2 weeks now.. you think it would have awoken something that was already there amongst everything I did but no, nothing, people who've done this like 5 times are already well ahead of me.

I think I mentioned all this before.. oh well.

Doom and gloom.. go together like..

something not at all pleasant, and something else, that isn't pleasant at all.

It's just raining and raining.. and raining and raining and raining. Well it stopped a while ago but it was raining a real lot... perhaps it's started again.

I have class tonight.. I'm already kind of over it, even though it's only the 3rd one.. I mean my 3rd.. it's already like the 5th one but that's kind of neither here nor there.. but it's just so.. hard.. well for me.. I mean I think it's hard but this shit.. this shit, and I may have mentioned this before, just isn't me. I dunno.. I always have this feeling of dread before the day comes the class is on, and as it approaches evening, and as I'm ready to go out, and as I'm sitting in class waiting my turn.. it's just.. grrr..

So I already feel enough like not budging.. and well.. the rain.. you know.

*sighs*

Strange things happen on a rainy night..

It's a strange old night. It was an interesting day. Went to a barbecue in the countryside. Well.. you can probably guess that due to it's being a rainy night, and therefore a high probability of it having been a rainy day, it probably wasn't the most ideal day for one.. but we had an enjoyable time in an old run down house that's being renovated in the hope it will be open for business as a hotel/restaurant type deal sometime in the future, talking to some people who were strange enough to be interesting.

It was a weirdly enjoyable drive home in the rain... I dunno, there's something surreal about driving at night in the countryside and even more when it rains.. and of course our city dwelling driver took a bit of time to get on the right track so there was the usual hilarity that ensues on such occasion.. you know what I mean.

So.. she drops us off at a tram stop.. we come home to the not nearest stop but the one where we have to walk a bit.. and it's raining, and we get off the train and almost walk into some guy with a ladder. As we get on our way he puts the ladder in front of some flat, like he's trying to fit it in the window.. no idea what that was about. Then we walk by some people outside of some restaurant washing some sink or something.. or painting it.. I dunno. Wouldn't think that's the ideal time to do such a thing...

as we're approaching our street we hear some sirens.. or alarms.. not sure what, but knowing the place we live, and certain people who lived here, we hoped to whoever is up there or where it is whoever they are is, that it didn't originate from our building.. with cops refusing our entry, leaving us soaking on the street while our cat is stranded up there..

Fortunately it turned out to be some dickhead playing with the alarm on his car or something... nothing to do with us. We were safe, all we had to do, was get in out of the rain and everything's cool. So we get to our door, we get in out of the rain and what do we see.. well, certain people was lying on the stairs.. still. Now, we've seen this element passed out in the hall more than once before.. so it wasn't the hugest shock, but the guy is like 70 something.. so you have to wonder, a bit.

Turned out he was alive.. thank goodness, really didn't want to have to deal with reporting it to the authorities at this point :) and we walked past him.. said good evening to each other, and safely into our flat. The end.

I appear to be.. busy..

There are a few things going on in my life at the moment, something I haven't experienced for... well, since last time. It seems like there's so much going on at once at times.. though those times aren't very often. It's like.. I have absolutely nothing going on most of the time, a few breaks in that when one thing happens.. and out of the 4 things I do over the year, 3 of them happen at the same time, so I'm either rushed or have to choose between things, or both.

Well anyway, as I always say, for a normal person the stuff going on right now isn't all that much but for me it's.. not exactly overwhelming.. just different to what I'm used to.

The problem with this right now is that these people seem to be coy about letting me know exactly when shit is going to happen, or ask me when a good time is but I don't know as of yet because someone else hasn't gotten back to me about their stuff.. and when you have like 3 WHOLE THINGS going on at once, it can be a bit dicey.

Of course, one of those things is class, one of which I've already missed for less than compelling reasons, one is something that I haven't met the person yet with and in fact I delayed the meeting because of another thing happening today.. and they haven't gotten back to me so that probably will turn into nothing, and the other is a casting which will just be that, a casting.. and I'm not just being negative here, it's more for a "get to know the group" thing, than for specific films thing.

And the other thing.. well that seems to be going ok, but a bit slow at the moment.

Seriously there isn't that much going on. I just like to make myself feel as though there is.

The interactive type one..

Well it seems that you (you know who I'm talking about and yes, it is singular) seem to be about again.. at least for a while.. so if I post this, with the hope there will be a reaction.. am I being entirely foolish?



Caption this.

Not sure about it all..

So, I've now been to 2 classes of Meisner 2.0, for me anyway.. and I've decided it's, well.. I don't know. I'm seriously wondering if it's for me at all, but I've committed, with money and everything, to do it for at least "a bit", so I'll continue to do it. At least for a bit.

I mean, I like the idea of doing it, and getting better, and doing something serious re acting, and I know I'm just starting, in a way, and this shit is hard.. but..

So I've done 2 classes. The first one I did I felt a bit heavy after.. I don't know if that's the right word, I mean I know it's not the right word, but one thing about doing this stuff is that I can never think of the right word for anything, so that's me all over.. anyway, I felt.. not great, though I didn't let it bother me that much. Well I did but I figured.. I've only just started.

Last night I did another class, and it went better, at least I felt better. My exercise didn't go great, not terrible but dull at first, and then I got all flustered and couldn't think of what I was supposed to be doing.. not that this explains it but I can't really explain it unless I explain the entire process to you so you're going to just have to believe me. I didn't feel so bad about it because I felt I was doing something right.. a tiny little bit of something, although there were still huge obstacles there.. and it was a slight improvement.

I did it early, and watched the rest of the class afterwards and during that, I began to wonder what the fuck I was doing there. I mean, yes it's early, and pretty much everyone had huge amounts of trouble with what they were doing, understandably, it's hard.. really hard for something so stupidly simple.. but.. people were getting it. They were really connecting, really reading the other person.. well maybe not everyone, and probably not very much, and maybe not at all in the way I understood it but, it was there, a little bit. And I just never get that. I can not do it. I can't turn my brain off, I can't concentrate fully on another person who's standing there. I can't really let out my feelings, whatever they are.. or rather, really feel something that strong when I'm in the middle of this exercise which I can never feel as if it's anything but an exercise..

but here are people.. people completely new to this, feeling it. A tiny bit maybe, and clumsily, but it's their 2nd fucking day! And yes, I'm really rusty on this but.. I did this for a fucking year! A whole fucking year of this stuff! A year of this stuff, some more advanced stuff, reading a lot about it and going to class, week after week and here I am at square one, with people who didn't do that fucking year already advancing past me.

What in the fucking fuck was that year for? I got nothing out of it. And here I am, again, starting in the kiddie beginner class and I'm supposed to what? Learn something? Get better at this? After a year that I have nothing to show for? I mean... fuck. Maybe it's just not for me.

Drowning em in a vat...

I went to the all new Meisner Technique classes the other night.. similar-ish to those I did a few years ago, but not the same. Well.. it's a little bit hard to tell at this point.. I'm way back at the beginning in baby step phase.. although this class skips over some of the very first steps.. of which there are many.

Anyway.. all I did was some of the simplest stuff, the stuff I don't remember being all that hard.. I mean it was, yeah, but the stuff that came after is what I think of when I remember the anguish I used to go through in relation to the class... so I thought it would be relatively easy.

Well.. not really. Although I've done this before.. and this particular bit, simple repetition.. quite a lot.. I haven't done it for some time.. and really, was never any good at all at any of the very kernel of Meisner Technique stuff which is.. you know what I don't fucking know. Generally being honest, being open, being vibrant, alive, letting your emotions out. Stuff that I'm not, not in this context anyway.

I mean it's hard, it's really really hard. It's stuff that's totally unnatural for the average person to do without a lot of practice though it seem simple to the point of child stuff... and the new people in the class were struggling quite a lot too.. but, I thought I'd maybe get just a tiny bit more.. not a lot, but a bit more seeing as I studied this thing for a fucking year already.. but no. No more than the average total beginner.. and really.. less than most it seems.

Not less than all.. some of the people have a problem of overthinking this "let it all go and show your true emotions" technique... everyone does but some more than others.. I do more than others I think, and the teacher always makes a point of telling some of the guys (always guys) that some people are just really intelligent people.. thinkers.. and that's why they have so much trouble with it. Not the worst thing in the world someone can accuse you of.. if you have to be criticized for not doing something properly.

That's not what he said to me.. na.. I'm just repressed.. boring.. afraid.. stuff like that. Not necessarily in so many words, but the overall gist is that I'm pretty limited in my natural ability to do this stuff and by extension acting in general and have nice long list of negative but not at all interesting personality flaws to think about.

Other than that it went great. A lot of interesting people who I've never met before are in the class and at least half of them will stick with it for the next couple of weeks, it puts me back in the scene.. sorta, and I might actually get better doing this.. ya know.. learn something.

Well anyway it's harvest time. Vinobrani this weekend... which to be honest, interests me ore than anything else at the moment. *burps*

Off in a min..

I'm doing stuff. Not the stuff I was talking about before.. but new stuff. Well kind of old stuff I'm doing again. I'm starting up classes in Meisner again, which I was doing a few years ago. Took me a bit of time to get back to it, but now I am.

We'll see how it goes. And that's all.. really.

A brief update..

Well.. I'm kind of doing stuff. Finally. I mean real stuff not just my own crap that I can't even get onot the damn computer.. proper stuff that some other clever person thought up and has graciously allowed me to act in.

So.. this one looks like it actually will be filmed.. at least more likely than any of this other stuff I've been involved with.. and I will be in it. Don't know which character I'll be, it's changed once already, but I think I've been doing pretty well at the readings so far.

And that's about all. More info as more happens.

Oh FFS! Who do you have to service lewdly to get a decent shower around here!?!!

I may have mentioned that I've had a lot of trouble with hot water heaters over the years. I probably brought up, once or twice, that I've had a fair bit o' strife over the last 2 years and 3 months I've been living in my present location with one particular water heater. I stress that it's one particular heater because in this case, it should be a different one by now despite the unvarying location.

It's just shit. Ever since moving in here it's sucked. It used to just make the hot water go off every couple of minute so you have to stop the water and start it again and wait for it to heat up. We just shrugged and accepted it until it started acting all wiggy, not heating up at all, exploding all over our kitchen, spewing dirty water everywhere.. and we got someone to come in and fix it. I told him of the original problem, as well as the pressing one, expecting that to be fixed as well. When he was done he said it was fixed. I asked if it would stop cutting out like that and he said.. well no, but when it does you'll see this red button and it'll heat up again. Thanks. That really helps when I'M IN THE FUCKING SHOWER AND HAVE TO COME OUT TO THE KITCHEN AFTER I JUST COVERED MY HEAD WITH SHAMPOO AND CRAP, but that was it.. and after that, it stayed on for longer, but when it stopped, it didn't just come back, you had to press the red button.. which is in the kitchen and it never came on right away, you had to wait and try a couple of times. Generally it was long enough to have a relatively brisk shower, so we lived with it.

It did the exploding thing again at some point, and went back between being on for a few minutes and going out with option to turn water on again and heat.. and staying on for a bit longer but without the option to come just back on. We got used to it. It fucked up again, made horrible growling noises, stopped working sometimes.. exploded over our dishes a few more times.

Earlier this year it fucked up again, worse than usual.. another thing still.. it wouldn't come on sometimes.. no reason, no idea why or when, it just wouldn't, and then later it would. Then it started turning the heater on every time the hot water came on, and as this was almost a month ago.. actually in the summer, which was kinda fucking hot, we considered it a negative. We managed like this for a while and finally emailed them about it.

A couple of weeks later I got a phone call that the dude was coming, like today. By then this latest problem had mostly subsided and we were getting the water going out quickly, and heater coming on thing still.. or something. So he fixed it. Or should I say "fixed" it. Not his fault, he did what he could, and told me the thing was old and fucked up, and the owners just don't want to pay for a new one, but it was fixed.. oh but the heater will come on every time the hot water does.

So that was it. Turned out, apart from the heater coming on every time the water did, and the water pressure being really low, and the water not heating up as much as it would, all was fine. I mean, it didn't cut out anymore. We thought.. what the fuck, it'll do.

The last few days there's been no change in the water pressure, but the water seems to be cooler. Just a few weeks ago it would heat up sometimes to a really nice shower heat but now it seems to exclusively fall between barely lukewarm ie cold if you try to stand under it, to only just tolerable for a shower.. certainly not a comfortable shower.. and definitely not an enjoyable one. It moves between these temperatures completely randomly, we tried doing different things like turning the heater on or off, or filling up the water tank but it makes no difference, it's warm, ie a temperature it's possible but not exactly comfortable to shower in, when and if it wants to be. The local weather gods seem to have decided that September/summer/over it's particularly trying.

And that's it for my tale of water woes. I went into more detail than I expected. Sorry for boring you :Z

Time for something bad..

real bad.

I thought I'd write another poem, or rather let one come to me as I put pen to paper, metaphorically. Is that a metaphor? I really need to brush up on my writing stuff education, or rather gain some, for that which I ever had that I forgot is pretty slim. See, previous sentence :Z

What is lost.
by me

Whatever there was,
whatever it is
whether it ever was..

was it?

How will I ever know?

The end.

Happy Wednesday.

Tuesday stupid questions...

Apostrophes! What's the deal with them? Why are there so many of them? Why are they so often ill used?

Seriously I got nothing. I used to come up with stupid questions all the time in the most unlikely places and even though I usually didn't get them written down right away and often not in time to remember them at all, there were enough of them to have material for this here bit at some point in time but these days.. nothing. And I don't remember any of the old ones and the ones I wrote down seem dumb.

I don't know what's wrong with me.. it's like I've lost my ability to to think up pointless things that can be written about in a semi-humorous way if you're amused by that sort of thing which it seems at least one person is.. but.. I dunno. I've lost my mojo, as they say.

When accuracy is wrong.

I've lamented, once or twice, certain people's tendency to misuse apostrophes. Mostly when people put extra apostrophes where they are not needed, this is something highly offensive to me.. as you would know if you've read like.. anything here ever.. (except for the posts which don't actually mention anything at all about apostrophes which when I think about it is the far majority but that's beside the point) and it's wrong.

Sometimes it's correct to use an apostrophe. When you're indicating a possessive for instance. Actually that's kinda it.. that's what they're for.. and it's all well and good when it's included in such instances, and of course, grossly incorrect to leave it out..

I guess technically.. decades are somehow a possessive of.. whatever it is you're talking about when you mention them.. though I can't figure out what.. for instance "the 50's" or "my 30's"

*thinks about it for a bit*

not exactly sure, but I'm sure it's right somehow because according to the internet and other stuff where well educated people write they generally use this.

Well I don't like it. Not because it may or may not be correct.. in fact I'm sure it is due to the factors I mentioned earlier, but because it sucks. The 50s is better. So is my 30s. And that's what I'll always use and if you don't like it well.. well. I don't care!

I probably shouldn't mention this..

but one of the things I may have vaguely alluded to amongst a bunch of other general things at one point might actually be happening.

It looks like it's on track which I'm rather pleased at, as this would be the first such thing I've been in all year, in fact since more than a year ago which is long. I have a meeting tomorrow after which I'll know more..

Hopefully all will go well. Of course there's the chance that it won't.

And for my 5 year, 2 month, 4 days and about 16 hours..

anniversary..

I present you....

Ok so it isn't. I mean, I don't know.. I guess I've been blogging for about that long. *checks*

Actually it's 5 years, 2 months, 12 days and about 3 hours.. I was pretty close there.

Ok so to the point. It's ridiculous right? An anniversary for 5 years, 2 months, 12.. etc etc. I mean, you might as well call every second of every minute of every hour of every day an anniversary.. even though anniversaries are traditionally days, but if we're going to throw the entire logic of the idea out, we might as well celebrate seconds. With drinks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against using any excuse to drink, I just think "I feel like a drink" is a good enough one and I'm not getting any nearer the point. First, here is the origin of the word:

1200–50; ME anniversarie (< AF) < ML ( diēs ) anniversāria anniversary (day), L anniversārius recurring yearly, equiv. to anni- (comb. form of annus year) + vers ( us ) turned, ptp. of vertere ( vert- turn + -tus ptp. suffix) + -ārius -ary

Apart from a whole mess of meaningless symbols, it tells us that the "anni" part of the word comes from the meaning for "year". You see what I mean? See what I mean? Do you?

Well.. ok, so the word is about celebrating something to do with years, we get that, the prefix tells us that pretty strongly... and I know there aren't people out there celebrating their 5 year, 2 month etc anniversaries, not too much anyway.. but 6 month anniversary? 4 month anniversary? 2 week anniversary? All the fucking time!

And I just want to point out it's wrong that's all. The prefix says so. So stop it.

One of them whatsit posts.

you know.. the come up with some caption thingy...

well?

Perplexing, baffling, and flabbergasting.

I wonder why, and am none too pleased with, when I clean the place properly, as opposed to sweeping up a bit of particularly offensive floor and look at the stains and think I really should get around to mopping that bit at least.. I succeed in spreading the cat litter spread around this admittedly tiny flat more than anything.

Why do I even bother? Well usually I don't..

Grabbing life's delights wherever I can..

Sometimes I like to not shower for ages.. like for 2 whole days, because when I finally do I feel so clean and fresh. Usually there are other factors involved, like I'm feeling sick or particularly lazy, and of course only on days I haven't any need to be anywhere.

I have a feeling of deja vu about this post, which isn't so much deja vu but memory of not all that long ago posting pretty much exactly this. Make of it what you will.