A picture of a peacock

that's what this is

Ho hum.

So turns out it's clear I don't actually like my job or work in general at all, not that that was ever a possibility. I wish I had more to write but I can't be bothered to delve into the depth of whatsit to come up with something, so I'm juts babbling on. I had a problem with the computer for 2 days but I seem to have fixed it by one of the may things I did that seemed like a remedy or it just got over whatever it was that was causing it, seems just fine now. At least, as fine as it was. I suppose I should rummage through the attic to find something.. maybe I will.

Could it be?

I'm starting to really not like not having anything to do. I don't mean in a "I'm bored" whine that you do all the time when you're a kid or adolescent or young adult or still considerably older person than that if you're that kind of person which I am, and it is something I do, but I mean more like a.. I actually think I prefer days that I have to work. Now I'm not saying I like work, or my job. I still hate having to go in, still get nervous about doing it, and bitch to myself quietly while half heartedly trying to plaster a smile over my face while I'm waiting for people. I do sometimes actually enjoy it all, or at least not mind it so much while I'm doing it, but that has been the case all along, I don't like it more or less than I ever have, but this particular thing, is something else. It definitely has to do with a lack of motivation. I don't seem to get anything done on days off. Things I need to do, practical things I feel I should be doing to improve things and stuff I would really like to be the sort of person who engages in, you know, like music and stuff. I never get that shit done. There's more though. I can't quite figure out what it is. I don't just not get around to doing what I should do, I never seem to do what I really want to do either. now, sometimes, it's convenience or cost that is the problem, and that could be the case, but I just don't know. The biggest deal is that I just don't know what I really want. Small things yes.. to be on the computer reading, replying, watching things, reading about the things I watched, getting a snack. I like those things and I usually manage to do some of those things, but the bigger stuff. That's my problem. What is this all for? Why am I even here, where am I going? Do I even like it here and is there something to look forward to? I could work on that thing, but what the fuck is it? There really isn't a point is there? I should just work on being at peace with that and maybe I'll be ok. For the moment, snacks and tv are just going to have to do.

I stop and think sometimes.

I do. When I do I'm usually somewhat surprised at things. Not surprised so much as amazed, startled or taken aback. No, those are just the thesaurus entries. Definitely not inattentive, struck, or blutterbunged. Nor anoetic whatever that means. Maybe anoetic, I don't really know what it means so maybe that's it. What it is is a feeling that I don't really belong in my life. Like it's not really what is happening. No, that's not it either. I look at where I am and I ask "what are you doing here?" And the answer is, not much really. How did I get here is a more relevant question. I know the answer, again, not much, I just got here. I usually don't stop to think about it. Even though my life is not necessarily all that eventful and not at all exciting, I still have enough distractions around that I don't stop and philosophize all that much so these thoughts never get too deep, hence the lack of being able to define it all. I'm not sure I really want to delve deeper, I'm reasonably content with how things are and what the near future is likely to bring if I don't think about it much, and though the realistic outlook is not a particularly bad one, or at all a bad one, I still prefer to keep it all fuzzy. I'm used to fuzziness, it helps me get through it all. Now there's a word, fuzzy. Easy to say, sounds funny and did not take me more than half a second to come up with the perfect word.

So I guess it's summer then..

There are places to live that work with summer, or rather, quite hot to really hot weather, or at least are more suited to the weather that is described by most to be "too hot"... this is not one of them. Having no sea, and fewer swimming options than many city/countries/areas and a not short (at least when it's 30+ degrees) walk to the nearest cool-ish area, let alone place where one can get in water, is more than typically unsuited to this sort of weather ie the weather we are experiencing now. oh and.. tour guiding.. in this weather? Not exactly a whole lot of fun. *fans self and stuff*