*crosses off item on list*

I made someone cry yesterday, and I didn't even care.

Really I didn't, not very much, not as much as I have. I was affected somewhat by being called a monster, and having someone who appears to be a sweet person afraid of me.. but mostly confusion on how I could have that affect, perhaps a little upset about it but..

Ok so it wasn't a real life situation, not really, it was class, the Meisner thing, the thing I do that I'm having so much trouble with. Last night's class was going well, for a bit.. I thought I was getting into it more than I have so far this time round.. and despite the negative mood during the exercise, which did affect me, a little bit, I was also kind of pleased that I was generating this kind of response, and responding.. which means I was thinking, and focusing on myself which you're not supposed to do but we're talking about me here.. and what happened was progress, I think.. I thought, at least a tiny little bit.

After the monster thing.. which came before the crying thing (slightly in my defense) I was thinking (there I go again) that I should be really upset about this.. and feel more caring towards this innocent young girl who really was upset at me just saying this shit.. but I didn't, I was just in the exercise and I just didn't care.. that much. I felt I should care more, but I wasn't going to fake it, there would be no point. I thought if I at least honestly portrayed how I felt. ie er sorry but I seriously truly am not really affected by this.. it would be at least something..

Like I said.. tiny tiny progress for someone who really doesn't get this shit.. not a huge thing, but I felt slightly good about it due to that. Then I got the talk.. and it was the same old thing.. I'm holding back, and apparently during the few parts I genuinely felt something and expressed it I was pushing it. Something like that. Meanwhile I made her cry.. she cared enough, in the middle of standing in class looking at someone and saying stuff to do that, for real. And other people have had similarly genuine experiences too.. of course it's hard for everyone, but being able to really care in the middle of it.. is well.. it's the whole point, you can't do that, you're fucked. Pretty much.

And yeah.. I know, not everyone gets it the same way, not everyone progresses at the same level, and has different obstacles to overcome but.. I DID THIS SHIT FOR A YEAR ALREADY! For a fucking year. And I've been going to classes for 2 weeks now.. you think it would have awoken something that was already there amongst everything I did but no, nothing, people who've done this like 5 times are already well ahead of me.

I think I mentioned all this before.. oh well.