Monday, June 11, 2007

I can't keep doing this..

I have another class tonight in the Meisner Technique. I still need to think of an activity. So far I haven't got a single idea. Well I have a single idea but I don't want to use it for several reasons including it not being any good.

I'll probably think of something by this evening which will be really lame and it won't go well at all. The teacher will drill me afterwards and tell me everything that was wrong with it.. which I can handle except that it's all shit that I know, I know I know!!! I know that it's not specific enough. I know that it's not important enough I know my time limit wasn't believable I know that I didn't answer all the questions on what would happen if I didn't do it, and I know I didn't fucking believe it because it's fucking made up alright!!!

I mean, fuck! There simply isn't anything that I have the materials for that is difficult for me personally, which I can plausibly convince myself that it has to be done within a certain time limit in order to obtain some desirable outcome, without which I would suffer great consequences.

I just doesn't fucking exist! It doesn't matter how much I try to come up with something, how much I stretch possibilities, outright make shit up about my life my activities are always going to suck.

And that's not even getting into the fact that I never believe it. It's always just me, sitting in class waiting for someone to knock on the door, knowing that there isn't anyone coming over to get the rent in 20 minutes, or anyone who needs to be emailed immediately, or my mother showing up any minute.. it's all fucking made up!

I don't know why I bother.


Kittie said...

I hope your class went well, let us know how things turned out!

Justine said...

maybe you could make it about how you go through your life going, "Oh shit, I haven't got anything... I have to make it up", and then just make up something about making stuff up.

I could recognise myself in a performance like that.