I prefer to eat them myself.

It's Science Sunday. I don't usually post on this subject as I know nothing about it, but I want to use this space to refute an exciting new development in Intelligent Design theory, the banana argument.

The link is to a video where Kirk Cameron, who you may know from the 80s television masterpiece "Growing Pains" and some Kiwi guy present to us "the atheist's nightmare", the banana.

First of all the banana because of some grooves in it, is the perfect shape for the human hand, because of some grooves in it. The banana skin also has an ideal non-stick surface which makes it easy to thrust the banana through your gripped hand repeatedly, as some Kiwi guy demonstrates to us. It is colour coded, making it easy for you to know when the banana is ready for consumption and it has a special tab on the top which makes it easy to peel, without the contents squirting in your face. Once peeled the revealed banana "has a point at the top for easy entry, it's just the right shape for the human mouth, it's chewy, easy to digest and it's even curved towards the face to make the whole process that much easier". Oh and the wrapper is bio-degradable. Nice one God.

Ok he made some good points but, in my opinion, if God designed the banana it wasn't exactly intelligently, in fact I think he might have been drunk that day.

For instance. Why yellow? What kind of colour is that for something you want to stick in your mouth? A bit garish and over the top isn't it?

Ok, right shape for the mouth, easy entry good, good, but why is soft and mushy so ideal? Sure, it's easy on the teeth, but where's the fun in it? Wouldn't it be better if the banana was edible right from the tree? It wouldn't have to be peeled at all, it would be just sitting there on the tree, (preferably a short one that you don't have to kill yourself climbing) ready to eat. You could take your time with it, savoring the flavour more, as well as enjoying the smooth sensation of it's ideal for the mouth curve for longer. And who says you don't want the contents to squirt in your face? I thought that was half the fun?

Well, judging by the way Some Kiwi Guy handles his banana you'd think that. And what kind of name is Rob Comfort anyway?

Not all cats are grey.

MC: Cool or not?
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

This is me in my jaunty cap. This cap can be referred to in many different ways but I like to refer to it as jaunty.

For those out there who are Flickerers, (and for those who aren't, why not?) please join my groups, Give me your ears and Pointlessness. No special reason, I just want to feel popular.

Just so I don't leave you with a completely substance-less post, here's something I didn't write:

Dreadlocked guy: I'm a customer and you're saying I can't use the restroom?

Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can't use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don't know what you're doing in there.

Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.

If anyone can help explain what "ambiguously ethnic" means, I would greatly appreciate it.

Now I'm truly fornicated.

The saga of finding someone to share my flat with me has reached a new level. That of being truly fucked, as opposed to me just being pissed off that I have to worry about such things and there being a slight possibility that I mightn't find someone.

Now there's a rather considerable possibility that I might find someone. I've had 2 people over the last month that expressed interest and would get back to me, didn't get back to me so I obviously they decided they didn't want it.

Last week I finally spoke with the landlord, told him all of my worries, and we figured something out, not sure exactly what but it's along the lines of I can stay one month without making out a contract and paying the deposit he wants, and then we can figure out what we're going to do, but if I am going to move out I need to tell him quick so he can rent it to someone else.

Of course this depends on if I find someone to share the place, because I'm not paying the full rent. I can if I want but I absolutely am not going to spend my money on space I don't need because I've gotten into this bullshit situation. Anyway I reposted my ad, got quite a response. Some of the people weren't interested once I explained the setup of the flat, some I didn't bother to answer because they either seemed dodgy or were asking questions that led me to believe they wouldn't be interested, but I set up a few viewings for last night that seemed promising.

So, I had 3 people scheduled to come over last night. The first one has a friend coming a month who she wants to share the space with. I agreed to show it to her on the possibility that I might go after a month and they could share the whole flat together, but they don't want to stay for very long so it's unlikely the landlord would want to give one of them a contract. I felt kind of silly showing someone a place that I'm unsure of the situation with, which I think is a setback. That and I'm kind of embarrassed to show people a space which I would never rent myself, or rent out if it was my own doing.

The second one didn't show up, didn't send a message to explain or anything. The third person delayed the appointment by an hour, which wasn't a problem. She'd just gotten back to Prague so we'd sent a bunch of emails back and forth so she had a full explanation about the place and all the information necessary. As I was waiting for her to show up I got an sms asking how to get to the flat from the metro station. I was slightly annoyed because I figured she'd have enough time to figure out where it is and how to get there, and she could have asked in one of the many emails she wrote, but I told her what tram to get and what stop to get off. Luckily I even knew as I never take trams because everywhere I go is so close.

A little later I got another message basically asking how to get to my street. Then I was really pissed off. I'm not very good at giving directions anyway and especially not in an sms. I ignored it and thought she'll call if she has to, then I'll explain it. She sent another couple of messages asking the same questions and finally called so I told her how to get there, she showed up a few minutes later.

So, I showed the flat, everything that's in there, explained about the internet and everything else that was relevant. She just said she didn't like it because it wasn't a private room. Stupid me, thought that I'd explained it clearly and she well knew that beforehand.

Anyway I decided to fuck it, I'll just move. I know of a place near here that offers rooms on a month by month basis that I could probably move to without much problem. I could stay as long as I like which would give me plenty of time to find another, more permanent place. When I got on the internet this morning I found their link again, checked out the website and it said they had rooms available. A little more than I would like to pay for what it is but it's ok for a while.

So I called them, just to be told that there were no rooms available from May the 1st. Great.

So now I'm pretty fucked. I probably have to post the ad again and just hope that someone who hasn't already seen it and rejected it will contact me. Then I have to answer all their questions and show the flat to the few out of them that are still interested. I'll probably have to share with someone who wants it short term, or someone who can't stand the thought of someone being in their room so I won't have a living room and kitchen anymore. They won't be willing to take over the contract in a month so I'll have to do it and I'll be stuck with it.

That or I can look for a flat to move into in a couple of days. Of course when I was concentrating on renting a room in my place there were tons of great flatshares available that were competition for mine. Now they seem to be all gone.

Anything you like as long as it's pink

I've been trying to shop a bit lately. It's something I don't do that often, partly because I don't have too much money, partly because I'm lazy and rarely tear myself away from the computer, and largely because it annoys me. Even if I was considerably more well off, it's entirely possible that I'd live in the same old clothes for years.

I can't do it forever though, I really need new stuff. Most of my clothes are well worn, and more importantly I don't really have any that I like. Fortunately I have a bit of money to spend so I'm able to get new things.

But what? Everything, and I mean every single piece of clothing in the stores is awful! I can't find a single thing I like. Ok I haven't been looking that hard, I give up pretty quickly. One thing I've been trying get is a new bag. I own one big bulky bag which I don't want to carry around everywhere, I'd like to get a nice little compact one, just big enough for everything I need. I've seen a few which are exactly that, small, affordable, and have a design that I like. Problem is they're all PINK! And white too. Those are the only 2 colours they come in. I've seen a few other similar ones I like the style of but they also come in a variety of different colours, every one of which I hate and AREN'T BLACK!

All I ask for is a nice, small black bag. You wouldn't think it's so hard to find one. There are plenty of black bags of course, but I don't like any of them, they're too big, have an awful design, have sequins and ugly patterns all over them, have a dinky little strap that you can't put on your shoulder. Everything except for the type of bag which is all over the place except not in black.

It's the same with clothes. For some reason pants which are sort of long but short and kind of puffy seem to be in. I'm not sure what they look like on a human because I've never tried them on, but on a rack they look awful. And I see that all the time because that's ALL THERE FUCKING IS! And they're pink half the time too. All I want is a pair of straight, long pants, in black or some inoffensive dark colour. Of course I can't fucking find them.

And this pink is everywhere. Not a dark rich pink, (which I wouldn't wear anyway), but pale pink. And it's often teamed with white. I've seen it on the racks and on actual people. I was amazed when I first saw a woman decked out all in pale pink and white, right down to shoes and bag back in early spring, but by now I've become desensitized.

I'll try again I suppose. I'll give it another shot. It's really just as well I'm not rich, it would be maddening to have all that money without having anything to spend it on.

But I only cook sausages ma.

You might remember yesterday that I was feeling lazy and couldn't be bothered to write down all the brilliant stuff that I'd thought of the night before. Well, This is not that stuff. This is some other crap I thought up about the same time.

Via Pandagon I found this letter to Dear Abby, which moved me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.

I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA

Abby replies basically saying that cooking doesn't make you gay and don't worry about what Dobson says, bla bla bla. Bullshit! This woman needs help, not some wishy washy reassurance that everything is going to be ok. So I thought I'd supply that help.

This is my letter to WORRIED MOM.

Dear Worried Mom.
Are you mad? Your husband is cooking and cleaning like a friggin maid and you're wasting time writing to me about your son? News flash! If cooking and cleaning make you gay then YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY! You are married to a gay man, get out of this marriage immediately.

The first thing you must do is get your son out of this environment immediately. A boarding school, a Christian or military establishment where the punishments are strict and harsh should be ideal, and quickly overrule any of the negative influence you have irresponsibly let your husband have on your son.

Then you can work on getting a divorce. Do this as quickly and cleanly as you can while securing full custody of your son and all of your husbands money. This shouldn't be difficult as the courts are so biased in favour of women in divorce, which is TOTALLY OK in this case.

We have a problem, you are now a single mother. I don't want to go into all the problems that can cause, I would be here all day, what we must focus on now is to get you married again as soon as possible. I must be done quickly but it must be done right, God knows you fucked up the first time so this time you have to be careful.

What you need is a manly man, a man who likes sports and cars and doesn't bother himself with women's work. Someone big and strong and filthy, truckdrivers are a good bet. Plumbers, construction workers, any blue collar worker should be a good start.

Once you get your trucker/plumber/builder home, you need to test him. Just his profession isn't enough to make you sure, we don't want one of the Village People do we? Try inviting him over early, while you're still in the kitchen. When he comes in give him a drink and let him sit down and watch TV. If he chooses anything but beer and sports, forget about him.

After about half an hour ask if he can help in the kitchen a bit. If he flat out refuses saying that he don't do no stinkin' women's work, and sits there smoking and farting, you're on a winner, you can marry him tomorrow. If he comes into the kitchen and cooks up a storm, kick him out.

If he comes into the kitchen and sheepishly potters around looking helpless, ask him to boil water. If he literally cannot do it he deserves a chance, he's probably just trying to impress you as you're still in the courting stage. If this happens just giggle and say "silly me, asking a man to do women's work, you go back and watch television, I'll tell you when dinner's ready". If he breathes a sigh of relief, he's good.

Now you can get married. You're the wife of a manly man, and it's time to bring little Johnny home. He's safe now. Make sure your man knows what his duties towards his new son are. Discipline and throwing a football around, beyond that childraising is your job. None of that comforting and nurturing shit, in fact when he comes crying to you about something, it's a good idea to send him to his dad to be told that boys don't cry and be beaten around a bit.

If you do all of this, your son should be just fine. If he still turns out gay in spite of all of this, then there's something else unspeakably terrible about you that you're not letting on about.

A much more helpful letter don't you think?

A splash of colour

Climbing the walls
Originally uploaded by Mutant Cat.

Because I've been so lazy today I'm going to be lazy again. Here's a photo I took kinda recently. It's particularly fitting for a blog/photo whore of my stature because it links to a photo that links to a post of mine that most likely has a link in it that has something to do with me.

Like my toes?

Yawn

It's just a lazy Monday. Er, Tuesday I think. Doesn't matter. The days of the week are meaningless, just an arbitrary construct created by "them".

I had the most brilliant post, in fact posts entirely written in my head last night. Interesting important stuff, dealing with issues that are relevant to the times we live, but I forgot it all.

Actually I didn't forget it all and I could write it all out, quite faithful to my original thoughts, or at least equal if I bothered, but I can't be bothered.

Don't leave Cartman's kitty behind.

I know, again. Sorry I couldn't resist.

Girl #1: So where's Matt?
Guy #1: I don't know, is he outside?
Girl #2: I don't think so...
Matt: Hey everybody! I'm back, I got the dildo!

--Top of the Empire State Building

Overheard by: brian h

Are they from South Carolina perhaps?