I like the rain, but I don't like it when it's raining. I like the spring but it rains too much, besides all that sunshine and light and beauty makes me feel like I should go out there and experience life, and for the most part I'd like to stay here, cozy and alone with just my computer for company. And sometimes a guitar, and it'd be nice to have a cat around to occasionally cuddly up to me but that's it. Some human companionship after so many hours but that's it. If I didn't have anywhere to go ever that's all I'd do, be here, reading, writing, watching stuff, taking some photos and shooting videos although for the last 2 I give myself the pressure to actually go somewhere that isn't here in order to create them, but if I wasn't really into those, and didn't ever have to then I'd never go anywhere until it got to the point where I can't stand being here doing nothing seeing no one anymore while simultaneously being so entropied both physically and emotionally that my anxiety of the outside world makes me unable to experience it. At least, I think so, I haven't gotten quite that far yet before there was a need to go somewhere, maybe it would.
Why am I telling you this? Well, why not, I've got a blog, might as well throw something up there.
4.08.2017
I like the rain.
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I’m not dissimilar to you in that I have a penchant for sitting at home, all cozy and snug, locked safely away from the rest of the world. I have a guitar too, but learning it turned out to be a forlorn hope, due to god knows what, though the clever money is on me being thick. That would account for my failure at horse-riding, painting, photography, and various other disciplines (I was once told by a horse riding teacher that I was the worst student she’d ever had). I counter the “thick” jibe when I choose to be kind to myself, and I say I have “attitude problems”, because It sounds better than “stupid”. Well whatever, I still enjoy (some of the time) day-dreaming of a time where I’ve reached an advanced stage in a creative endeavour, though nevertheless, I’m still beset with guilt for not getting my arse into gear and going out into the fresh air. And for the record, since I retired 3 years ago my lack of effort regarding the great outdoors has actually, really and truly, and measurably, resulted in physical entropy: I’m withering girl, positively withering. As for emotional entropy, I’m not sure that I understand, so if you could point out the symptoms to me, I bet I have ‘em!
well.. emotional is more like not being able to function among people, having anxiety about things considered unremarkable by most people, like, I dunno, going to the Post Office and stuff like that, making the first move toward getting a job, like reading the whole ad for the job in order to compose and send an email in reply (both anxious activities in themselves)stuff like that. I have slightly higher anxiety levels about stuff like that than the average person, I think, but if I were ever to get to the state I described, which I haven't but if I were, then it would be particularly pronounced. Either that explains it or I'm just rambling until the end of the sentence for something to say in lieu of that. I'm gonna stop now.
Gotcha!
Yeah, I got all of those symptoms.
Hey ma! I'm emotionally entropied!
hey at least you recognise it
Well, even staying in has its hazards. Not sure if I've already mentioned this, but the kitchen here has just been refurbished, which entailed having to "entertain" two (sometimes) three guys for a whole week. I put on my best face and bantered as well as making their tea, but in truth, I was as tense as fuck... my castle had been invaded! Actually, my anxieties are often non-specific, inasmuch as, I can have nowhere to go and nothing to do (in theory, heaven) but still experience a low-level of fear. I'm crazy.
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