I'm still here.

If by "here" you mean merely existing, being something that is here, and is technically alive. More than that, I can't promise. I do exist, but the existence is nothing special. I am a person, but I'm not a particularly er, persony one. I'm not doing anything. I literally spend all of my time doing a job that is increasingly annoying to me and any preparations for doing said job, and distracting my self with various cheap, indeed free thanks to our modern multimedia world, entertainments. And shopping for basic stuff, and that's it. And sleeping. Occasionally drinking beer, usually home because I rarely ever go to bars to waste time anymore. I'm not all that sure I exist sometimes. I mean, why would I bother, really?

Dammit weather gods!

You know how when it's really really hot like 35 degrees plus every single day or whatever equivalent it takes for you to start whining and I mean constantly about how hot it is and you just at that particular time when there's a heat wave you are required to go out in it for long periods every day, like way more than you usually do in more temperate weather and it starts weakening you, literally making you weaker, and dumber so that you forget um.. words and stuff, and it keeps seeming like it's going to storm any minute and you just can't wait and the forecast says it's going to rain and get cooler but it doesn't, it just doesn't, repeatedly and there you are just out in it getting sun burnt and sun struck and then finally, it storms. And then it keeps raining and at first you're out in it and you're like oh this is wonderful, so refreshing I love this, I don't understand why I ever complained about the rain, ad then it keeps raining, and raining, and continues to rain. And then you're over it. Well I'm over it now.

Well..

It's been hot here. You might have experienced something similar to what I have been experiencing if you live anywhere relatively near me, if we're talking a world wide scale. Fucking hot. Oh, and it's the week I've had to work more than usual, you know, work, which for me means walking around outside taking groups which range from kinda small to huge to places which rarely have shade and are not often very near drinkable water to tell them in an informative and entertaining way facts about those places and the buildings and monuments in them along with history and stories related to them. Two of those a day, in fact. Now it's cooled down. I am happy about that.

Finding Strength.

I've just discovered a new gimmick for myself, one that I already know which will have no positive consequences. Something I'm doing this very evening in fact, entirely because I can't be bothered to do something. This thing is no big deal really, nothing too arduous, nothing that takes too long, but that takes the tiniest bit of effort. I have decided I'm not doing it. I tell myself I'm choosing to not do it because I want to do better things, get to work on moving up from this status finally, after telling myself this for years, and that I will spend the time doing something that is productive. The second one is definitely not true. I'm not doing anything productive at least not the thing I told myself I would do if I didn't do the other thing. The first one remains to be seen, but either way it's something I can do whether I did this tonight or not and something I should have done ages ago. The likelihood that I will make strides to do this in a major way any time soon is negligible, nay, almost entirely unlikely. I could convince myself that my motives are noble, but I'm pretty good at seeing through bullshit, there's no point in bothering.