Not sure about it all..

So, I've now been to 2 classes of Meisner 2.0, for me anyway.. and I've decided it's, well.. I don't know. I'm seriously wondering if it's for me at all, but I've committed, with money and everything, to do it for at least "a bit", so I'll continue to do it. At least for a bit.

I mean, I like the idea of doing it, and getting better, and doing something serious re acting, and I know I'm just starting, in a way, and this shit is hard.. but..

So I've done 2 classes. The first one I did I felt a bit heavy after.. I don't know if that's the right word, I mean I know it's not the right word, but one thing about doing this stuff is that I can never think of the right word for anything, so that's me all over.. anyway, I felt.. not great, though I didn't let it bother me that much. Well I did but I figured.. I've only just started.

Last night I did another class, and it went better, at least I felt better. My exercise didn't go great, not terrible but dull at first, and then I got all flustered and couldn't think of what I was supposed to be doing.. not that this explains it but I can't really explain it unless I explain the entire process to you so you're going to just have to believe me. I didn't feel so bad about it because I felt I was doing something right.. a tiny little bit of something, although there were still huge obstacles there.. and it was a slight improvement.

I did it early, and watched the rest of the class afterwards and during that, I began to wonder what the fuck I was doing there. I mean, yes it's early, and pretty much everyone had huge amounts of trouble with what they were doing, understandably, it's hard.. really hard for something so stupidly simple.. but.. people were getting it. They were really connecting, really reading the other person.. well maybe not everyone, and probably not very much, and maybe not at all in the way I understood it but, it was there, a little bit. And I just never get that. I can not do it. I can't turn my brain off, I can't concentrate fully on another person who's standing there. I can't really let out my feelings, whatever they are.. or rather, really feel something that strong when I'm in the middle of this exercise which I can never feel as if it's anything but an exercise..

but here are people.. people completely new to this, feeling it. A tiny bit maybe, and clumsily, but it's their 2nd fucking day! And yes, I'm really rusty on this but.. I did this for a fucking year! A whole fucking year of this stuff! A year of this stuff, some more advanced stuff, reading a lot about it and going to class, week after week and here I am at square one, with people who didn't do that fucking year already advancing past me.

What in the fucking fuck was that year for? I got nothing out of it. And here I am, again, starting in the kiddie beginner class and I'm supposed to what? Learn something? Get better at this? After a year that I have nothing to show for? I mean... fuck. Maybe it's just not for me.