A river in Egypt

I don't consider myself a very grown up person. Usually I try to put a positive spin on it, convince myself that I'm fun loving, youthful and all that, but I'm also immature in the less positive ways. I'm not responsible, at all. I don't really think about this too much, most of the time, but I'm aware. As far as my immaturity level goes I'd figure it's nothing unusual for a young-ish (ie under 60 or 70 or whatever age is still considerably higher than mine) in this day and age but when I get to thinking about it, as I am then I realize that's not true. I'm a fucking child. I'm incapable of behaving in a responsible manner, even a little bit responsible. Oh I have my moments. When by a random stroke of luck I get some job that the universe lets me hold on to for a bit I tend to show up and do what I'm told, and I buy food and supplies when there's a regular cash flow, ie when I have the aforementioned inexplicable sort of lasting employment, and I wash dishes. Sort of regularly at least when there's hot running water. That's about it. If it gets a bit hard to get look for/get/keep a job, it doesn't happen. If there are papers to deal with, bills growing, official shit to sort out I ignore it. I can't face shit like that. And if there's something looming on the horizon that's inevitable and completely and utterly fucked and the only way to fix or at least minimize the damage is to face it, work and do something about it, well I don't. I stay out of it, keeping myself in the dark until the last minute, hoping that what I sort of know is true isn't really true and something magical at the last minute will happen to save me. Well it's the last minute. Or near the last minute I don't really know. That's how irresponsible I am. Yeah, don't know what my future holds but as far as I know it's happening soon. Like 3 days, one day, like I said I don't know. I'd ask and be sure but who wants that?

and just because there aren't enough of them around here..

kittens! all 3 of the little destroyers.. I mean darlings

I'm a hard working...

something.

Some might say bullshit artist but that would be incorrect. I'm utterly um. what was that, just got distracted by some cat destruction. Fortunately all kitties are ok there's just a huge mess and breakages regarding some plants in the kitchen.

Anyway, I'm utterly hopeless at being duplicitous and shit. It's not that I'm terribly honest or anything, I'm just not that clever.

I have been acting. Today I was particularly hard working or at least working for many hours. Waking at the ungodly hour of 6am to get to the set and sweating through hours of mostly waiting around but also some dialogue and being smacked hard and grabbing balls and smoking. Then I got to spend almost an hour in various parts of the building as the director got caught up in some adventure trying to get money or whatever. One of them buildings where you need the key for everything, whatever. At least I didn't need to pee in a bottle like I did the other day when I got stuck in an elevator. That didn't really happen that was for a movie too.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a guy, for some film, bringing some clothes for outfits and doing, not sure what, but at least my call is for the civilized hour of 1400.

After that I'm back to being a hard working nothing. This never seems to last very long.

All sought after and stuff.

I had a brief stint of being really popular, then I sort of blew it, and then I wasn't. Well not really.

In all, some good stuff happened and it turned out to be actually rather vexing. A lot of that has to do with my tendency to hate anything unless it's absolutely brilliant and flawless in every way. I exaggerate. Maybe a little. It was also because it was all kind of vexing.

So I'm doing some films again. Student films, shorts, from a one month summer course. I'm doing more than I usually do during a summer month, but fewer than I potentially could have, still more than I thought I would be doing up until yesterday, or the day before maybe.

I seem to have done something brilliant in my initial audition because it impressed a lot of people. I must try that again, whatever it was. I didn't do so well on the couple of follow up readings I had, as I got a 1 out of 3, still, better than nothing. Oh and 2 other people just went ahead and cast me. And someone else was going to then rewrote the part yadda yadda yadda.. long story short I was for about a second really popular. I'm still quite popular, as it is, but not quite as astonishingly so. And, out of all of these films I was considered for and some of which I'm in, only one was for a mother. This is kind of a big deal. Versatility and all that.

Most of the last week I've been waiting for emails from people to tell me if I was available for another time or not, and every time I got an email it was someone else saying hey wanna be in this and fucking off and not emailing again, which again, isn't all that bad, when you really think of it.

In general, it all turned out ok, and I think all the waiting and wondering is over, now it's time to get to work, getting up early and all that, but that's ok because it means acting in stuff and it means money. Oh and lunch. I'm really looking forward to lunch.

so how are they getting on?

who do I speak of? Do I even have to say?

speaking of kittens..

did someone say kittens?

well, kittens have turned this place into crazy cat house, which I quite enjoy. They seem to get up quite early in the morning, before the drilling and/or hammering starts. Usually first I wake up to Cecily running in and out of the room, meowing in her, "kittens are about" sort of way, and I hear noises of crashing, banging, rustling, running, jumping, etc. Sometimes one of them crawls into the room for a bit.

Then they spend the day alternating between sleeping, running about from one room to another, getting into every nook and cranny, climbing what they can, getting into shoes, playing with toys and whatever they decide to be a toy, which is pretty much everything as their mother tries to keep track of them. Sometimes they let us stroke them, well 2 of them have now decided sometimes I'm their friend, and sometimes they're still afraid of me, and one is still just afraid. And all the time making crashing, banging, rustling.. etc noises.

And sometimes they all snuggle together, like this.

Everywhere, all the time.

I'm so tired of being reminded of all my failures. Failures, rejections, disappointments, all of it. It's just all always there. A place I have to look at, people I see who knows someone who knows this person, words, images, fucking Facebook!

If there were some triumphs to balance it out, it might be bearable, but triumph is something I cannot claim, not realistically. As far as stuff that works out sometimes, there's just not enough of it. Not enough to counter the negatives and not even enough to distract me from the fact that there's all this stuff out there, that I tried and failed at. Or never got the chance to try.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it always being like this, and the only change is more cringeworthy unpleasant memories to add to the long long list of stuff I'd like to avoid for the rest of my life but staying out of the world (easy enough) avoiding nearly everyone I've ever met (also surprisingly doable) and staying off the internet (eeek) is just not possible.

At least there's kitties, riotous crazy kitties in this crazy cat house. They're very distracting, in fact I'm not even thinking about the other thing that has me so worried, whatever it is.

look! a kitten!

yes, it's a kitten



:)