Almost very near a half century

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 48. It's not a big milestone year but it's just a bit older and a bit closer to the next decade. And 50 sounds old, way too old, I mean 40 is already too old and I'm already barreling down towards the next one.. how did that happen?

There's not much to be done about it except for cry, which I just might do, but I'm going to leave my birthday wish list here:

A guitar, electric preferably.              My own room, or flat or house, any of those will do.                                      Enough money so that I don't have to work anymore.                                  To be able to go back in time to do everything differently and better and to be back in those days and be younger now.. alternatively to have been born later so I am younger now, and also that current times didn't suck and had better music.

That's about all. Though I may add some things to my wish list by Christmas.

A job, a home and...

.. that's all really. I have a job of sorts. It's something I never wanted to do, I hate it, and I don't technically get paid if I don't do it well and oh yeah, I suck at it.

Home has a roof and a bed and not much more except for the company of lovely people who don't know how to use headphones or put on pants and like to talk loudly on the phone and generally suck in numerous ways even for humans, who, in my experience are a pretty sucky species.

That's my life. I'm not saying there are not moments that aren't 100% awful but, and one doesn't want to overuse a crude monosyllabic word like "sucks" but.. it ain't great. I will be continuing the whining for months, if not years to come.  

Invasion of Reality

I'm still here. I just have nothing good to report. Everything sucks, to put it plainly. I've been suspended in a shitty situation for months, which followed a longer time period which was generally shitty.

I've dealt with it mostly by ignoring reality a lot of the time, wandering the city, observing scenes of life that I'm not part of, dreaming of another life.

I know it's not what I should be doing. A responsible adult would be pulling their shit together, buckling down, facing problems head on and tackling them with a brave face on. 

But I don't know what to do. The few feeble attempts I've made to fix anything about my situation over these months has failed. It's been nothing but beating my head against a wall.

Also, I don't fucking want to. I don't want any of it. I've lived the misery and the doom and I want it gone. I don't want to go and face my fears and get sunk into a beaurocratic nightmare when there's no guarantee or even likelihood that anything will work, when there's nothing at the end of it for me. I'll be basically functional, maybe.

Maybe I owe it to the world to be a good obedient citizen (of where, I don't have any identification papers) and do my duty, but the world can suck it, if it's got nothing for me.

The Doom

 This fucking pandemic continues to wreak havoc on the world and as one tiny insignificant part of the world, my life.

To put it plainly, things suck. I've been stuck in a sort of miserable, stressful stasis for almost 3 months now. No job, no money, one and a half pairs of clothes, no guitar, no stuff. I mean stuff is probably overrated but it does help to have more than one set of clothes and things like makeup and toenail clippers, socks without holes, a hairbrush. Also if you have not much to do with your time apart from stress out it's good to have things like books, writing paper.. my fucking guitar!!!

I have a place to stay. It's been a while and I guess I'm lucky I am still able to stay there at this point but it also comes with the stress of not knowing how long it will last, or how much notice I'll get when the time to get cast out comes. Also, saying something is lucky when your life has turned to shit but one small thing happens to save you from a worse fate is weird. If I was lucky the world wouldn't have shut down, I wouldn't have lost my job, had no chance to get another job, run out of money, been evicted, had all my stuff stolen etc etc.

There was one bright point last week where one member of the police acknowledged that what happened to us was unambiguously wrong and gave us hope for a bit, but nothing's happened.

People have been good, they've helped a lot so I kind of hate to whine, but it just isn't enough, not from them who have mostly given us more than they could afford but just generally. It shouldn't be like this. There shouldn't be a situation where people need to rely on continuous handouts and people being stuck out of the country to just survive, and it can't last, but that is how it is.