The Meaning Of It All.

Why oh why oh why did I ever start this. Out of all the things I over the years could have made a consistent effort of getting done, it has to be this thing, and by thing I mean a loose collection of semi related activities, they can be grouped as a thing, somehow. Completely useless the thing, of course, it doesn't pay, doesn't help the world, it's just wasting time on the internet. I've been slack about even that, lately, but no matter how lazy I get the milestones always get me, anniversaries.. birthdays. Now I have the pressure on, the year I've turned is the exact number that Douglas Adams chose at random to represent high minded meaningful meaningfulness in a humorous and ridiculous way and I feel obligated to say something witty and like, relevant and stuff about it. Well I can't think of anything so I'm not going to bother.

O the excitement.

As far as I know, I have very little going on. I possibly have one thing going on, one day, but that mightn't even happen the way things are going.

Not to be said for the past week.. from my not exactly exciting birthday dinner, to flying off to Amsterdam the next day, having drinks with an old friend (and a new) that night, leaving Erik the next day to fly off to Vancouver (him, not me) and a day in the biting cold and grey city by myself (and possibly old friend, if I could manage to meet up with him without the newfangled technology that the kids have... it did, surprisingly) and then back already to Prague, but not home, to run off to some bar to talk to some guy about a thing.. in the drizzle. Waking up to snow the next day, yes, it really was that cold, not just my imagination. Onto a film set the next day somewhere out in the boonies, though somewhere very nice. Mostly waiting, but still a movie. Finally we close the week with the thing I went to the bar to talk to the guy about.. hosting this thing called a "pub quiz". You may have heard of one. The usual person couldn't make it so this guy, this guy in the bar needed someone else to do it and apparently couldn't find anyone else cos he really hounded me about it. I had some stuff explained but it turned out there was a whole bunch of shit that I had no clue about. It turned out how it turned out.. I reckon I was suitably charming and witty.. 7-8 out of 10 for that.. my score for knowing how the fuck it worked and dealing with the computer and the powerpoint thing and the microphone? About a 3 if we're being extremely generous. 

Anyway.. I'm looking forward to some nothing for a few days, though by a few days or perhaps sooner I may change my mind.

Oh.. another one?

It's my birthday, again. No big deal really, everyone has them and they have them every year. I usually make a big bruha or bruhaha or whatever you call it about it but this year I'm relatively ignoring it, ie making a deal that's only slightly bigger than the average deal about a birthday.. or do people generally make a bigger deal about birthdays than the people I know who aren't me are? I don't know.

So it's my birthday and over the last year I've.. um. Still being me, still mostly.. let's just say all those things I wanted to do? Didn't do them. So I've been in more films than I have in any one year, I think. I've done some other stuff, a voice recording, er... I think some other stuff. I had a job for 3 days, which I didn't get paid for, have made a friend, or friends, it seems as part of a group of people making films, which seems like we might last for long enough to get one film done. Those are things.. those are good things.

I've hardly been anywhere one day out of Prague, in Brno, but otherwise barely left the city limits. Well I think apart from that I didn't leave Prague at all.. well at least I went somewhere once. I do have a trip out of the country, even if just for one night, to somewhere I've never been coming up but it's past the cutoff for this "year" that is the year by this birthday so it doesn't count.

Anyway, like I said, no big deal, whatever.. stop bangin on about it.

Enough already!

This time of year.. it's just too much. I'm just too old for it.. (*snorts*)

Hannukah, Thanksgiving, birthday, and all those others, I"m sure there are some, even though I don't celebrate them all they're still there...

had enough of it!

oh yeah went out last night.. may have drank too much, harrassed some kids (honestly get the f off my ffing lawn what is wrong with you people) into playing Billy Idol at this party after trying to explain who he is and made it home on the same tram as 3 other of my fellow revelers though we'd all been doing our separate things for the last hour and..

ok it was awesome.. today was "consequence time" and you can tell that we had a fine fucking time last night due to our inability to get out of bed for most of the day.

But it's enough... this partying and holidaying and reveling and festiving and all that is for the kids and if I have not banged on about it anywhere near enough already then I'm telling you now that I'm no kid.

Yeah well.. it's December tomorrow so, I may go hibernate.

It's my birthday.

This is me.

And the sun goes down.

It's just after 16:00 and the sun has set on that decade of mine that I call the 30s. Some people would say 30's, but I say 30s, deal with it. Never again shall I walk in the sun as a 30 something. *gets all wistful and stuff*

I wasn't going to write about the upcoming changing o age that is coming up, as I've said absolutely everything there is to say about it, and more, numerous times, already, I was going to write about something completely unrelated, like, how on the weather they say it's a certain temperature but feels like another, I mean how can it feel like one thing but really be colder? If it's -1 then whatever that feels like is what feels like -1, and how come it's always lower when it's already cold? If it's -3 degrees, it doesn't have to feel like yet another 3 degrees colder? Of course, when it's 35 degrees, it feels like 38, but anyway, not the point.. as I was saying, temptation of musing on the poignancy of the sun setting on this 30s which is the new 20s and that's at least an 80s 20s so it's more like a late teens to early ish 20s if you're going back to a time when grownups were grownups and it's time for me to to stop goofing about and.. get a mortgage and a couple of grown up kids.. or something... was too much to resist. So I wrote about that. And I have nothing else to say about it now. Finally. See you when I'm 40 ;). 

Ticking away...

It's November. That month, the 11th month o the year, the 2nd last of them all, the one that yours truly, myself, that is me, was born in. It was the latter part of the month, but, the fact is that before this month is up, another anniversary of the birth o me, is going to happen, and this time it will be on of the ones that has a zero at the end.

I've had a few of those already, more than enough, imho and well, it's not the first time I've felt that I'm ill equipped to move up in the decades but this one.. well, it's another one.

They say life begins.. I'll just let that sentence fizzle out like that, but they say that, or they used to, and I'd be quite happy if that was true but fuck.. just fuck!

I've been told I look younger, from a few years to the sort of claim you know people are being ridiculous and saying you look that young and they're complimenting you because it's so obvious you're so much older, but it's nice to know I don't look quite my age, and I'd be lying profusely if I claimed it wasn't predominantly for vanity reasons I'm having this whole episode, but mostly, well not mostly but largely, right along with all the other stuff it's just that I can't fucking believe I'm so fucking old! I mean, by mid 20s you start to feel you should be grown up, sorta.. by 30.. it's like.. ok, that's more grown up, or should be, but it's not because I'm not, but today, the 30s are like.. well, an extended 20s, then you're nearing the mid 30s, then you're 35, then you're in your late 30s and it still seems like fuck, there's no way I, me this dumb kid in a grown up body is that old..

and then you're going to be 40 at the end of the month and it seems like if you're not going to exhibit any, not one single signifier of being an adult, of being remotely responsible in any facet of your life, that you haven't achieved one fucking thing your entire life well.. you aint ever going to.

That's pretty much how I feel about the whole thing.

There's time yet.. just.

It's one of those days. You know, that day that comes every year, where everyone makes a big deal about you, and gets you drunk, sometimes there's cake, and you're a year older.

I mean every day is one of those, for many people, but we each get only one. Mine is today. Yes.. another year older. All I'm saying about that is, not 40 yet. Ok ok, I'm 39 today. 30 fucking nine that's like almost 40!!! That's like the Patsy Stone's fake age that she was for most of her 40s and possibly longer but.. 39!

Well.. age aside, it's my day and I get to go out somewhere nice, and drink, and have lots of people post on my Facebook page. It's not so bad. And it's still not.. you know.. actually 40. "They" say life begins at said age which I am not yet, no that's not this birthday, and well, I'd kinda like that if it was true really.. it would be a good excuse for the pathetic utter lack of achievement I've attained for this not spring chicken age I've arrived at.. and if I start then that would also mean I've got another whole year of pissing about, maybe preparing a bit no mostly pissing about..

but I feel that "they" overstate it, and probably are just saying that because well.. they feel like they're old, which I'm not yet because I haven't gotten there yet. I might do a Patsy and stay with this one for a few years, I was 29 for a while actually.. or I would have been if I could have gotten away with it, but.. well. I'll see. Anyway, I'm off, well not now but later and might not be able to sign in later or tomorrow so if I don't see you until then Happy Birthday to me. ;)

It's vegetarian, so it's healthy!

You, when you have a dinner of creamy cheese on foccaccia with cream.. and some veggies of course, but don't forget the creamy cheese, and the cream, and despite feeling full enough already have a desert, for once, which consists of a creamy mousse with cream.. well.. you tend to feel a bit stuffed, and possibly over lactosed. Is that a word? Well if it isn't it is now.

Had a nice dinner I have to say, all veggie, so as I said it's healthy, and I"m totally not a couple o units heavier now than I was a few hours ago and am not going to have stomach problems from too much heavy dairy consumption. As I said I enjoyed it.. well.. sometimes you gotta do it, and it's a birthday day so, if not now, when.

There was a hat involved. Tat might not mean anything to anyone, but there was.

It's like an incredible feeling of deja vu all over again..

Sigh.

It's time again. Time for me to muse about, ponder, and lament this particular version of the passing o the time. I could say the same old jazz that I always bang on about, the same time of year every year, how it's just so..

I mean, I'm not so put out by the fact that I'm as old as I am, in the way that I'm no longer young, spry, fresh, blooming, cute.. all those things that a lady bemoans the loss of.. and when I say I'm not put out I mean it's all too easy to believe, I don't get that slight shock when I stop and think, this is true. I'm not saying I like it, I'm not even saying I don't actively dislike it.. I'm not even saying it doesn't distress me quite a lot, and often to feel my weary bones and see my haggard face.. and see the (recently increased yet again) number after the "age" section.. because yes, I fucking hate that shit. I'm just not at all in denial there.



What really astounds me is.. well, the way I am. This unestablished, disorganized, inexperienced, foolish, irresponsible and downright immature person. I don't have anything and I've done nothing. Well I've done stuff, but it's all over the place, and doesn't really count. Hard to explain. And I know a lot of people of mature ages are youthful and fun, but there's really something missing here, almost everyone I know, though they seem like a bit of a mess (that's quite a few people) have something about them, that one little grown up thing about them, that lets you believe they're in their 30s, or 40s. When I look at myself it's just.. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it when I was 30.. and then at about 35 which seemed like such a fucking grown up age that it was just impossible I could be it, then 36.. 37.. and on :/

Like I said, or at least vaguely alluded, I say this every year so there's probably not much left to be said. So I'll see you next year. Or sooner if I have something to say :).

*sniffles*

I'm not feeling well. No, I didn't go all out on my actual birthday birthday drinks even though it's a Monday and I said I'd take it easy. I have come down with something. I felt this morning that I might have a tickle in my throat, but I've thought that many times over the last few months and I've fought it away with garlic and wishes. Today.. by some time in the afternoon, it began to seem almost certain to be a sore throat. I still went out in the snow, to play a bit and get some pics.. well I had to, it was my birthday and the first big snow of the year, when I got back I kept hoping it was just a scratch but before long all hopes were dashed. I had a sore throat. Then I started sniffling. Then I went out for a wine.. which was planned, but it was planned as being after class which I didn't go to. Yes yes I know you're well enough to go for a wine but not well enough for class whatever, but still, that's what I did. Now I have a sore throat, am sniffly, feel head coldy and occasionally sneezy.

On my birthday too. No fucking fair.

*pouts*

*sneezes*

I think another drink is in order.

That number just keeps getting bigger. *sighs* I now have an age that consists of the number 7 and the number 3, and though the numbers are arranged in the more favourable (for me) order, it still is a bigger number than it previously was, and this has a tendency to make me the slightest bit melancholy.

But whatever.. it's my birthday, birthdays are supposed to be fun, and though I partied for it already, and spent all yesterday being punished for a relatively modest celebration, I am positively forced to drink again today, it being my real birthday and all. Just a few quiet glasses of wine in a local bar this time. I shan't get carried away or anything. I swear I won't. Honestly, it's a Monday, and I have a class tonight, and.. those reasons are enough. Besides, not a good time for getting real drunk around here, it seems to think it's winter.. and late winter, like January or whenever, I mean, snow in November isn't unheard of, it usually does, a little bit. It snowed a bit on Saturday, very little, and there has been a thin cover of snow on the types of places snow hangs about, but this morning we woke up to a full cover of white, and it still snowing so.. happy winter.. wee hee.. happy birthday to me.

Now I have to go think of an activity for this class tonight... will the stress never end!

Time to make that resolution again...

Too much fucking fun eh? I may have had that, though I don't know if there is such a thing as too much fun, if there is, that's not what I had. Don't get me wrong, the night was great, people came, everyone seemed to enjoy, in fact it was just right. We chatted, we laughed, we drank. No dancing on tables or blackouts.. yes, I drank, and more than I usually do, but no where near as much as I used to, when I forgot large parts of what happened and kindly friends would offer me information about the night in bits here and there.. oh yeah those were the days.. *sighs*

No, nothing like that, quite a respectable party really. So why the fucking fuck have a been so fucked up all day? I'd say it's because I'm getting old, and considering the day and reason for the party.. it would be somewhat fitting, but I've always had problems like this.. it's true, and particularly stupid considering the persona I create for myself here on the internet, which is not entirely made up. Yes, I get real bad hangovers.. sometimes, it can be random, and yes, I still drink too fucking much. Is there any hope at this point that I will grow the fuck up already. It remains to be seen, for the moment I've given up drinking, forever, but we'll see how long that lasts... in fact I'm planning on having a few quiet, respectable drinks tomorrow night for the actual real day o commemorating the birth of me...

I am getting old.. in barely 5 hours the number of years I've been around will climb higher, yet again, and I know it's just a number, it's not even one of those significant ones that ends in a 0, but it still seems bigger somehow.. Oh well. Might as well just enjoy it. But not too much.

The stress and anguish of having all this fun..

It's that time of year, a time when people have fun, whether they like it or not, goddammit, where people get together, and drink, feast and be merry, listen to music, dance, and get up to shenanigans...

yes, it's my birthday soon.. and the actual birthday falling on a Monday I'm doing the traditional thing and having my "party" on the weekend.. that is on the Saturday, that is today.

So.. I have my usual getalong gang that I've been spending such occasions with for years and years.. these people are coming, or at least some of them, but I thought this year, I'd have a few more come along.. I'm doing this class.. and some other acting rel stuff, and I've made quite good friends with some of those people... so I went ahead and told a bunch of people last week that I'm having a birthday celebration on Saturday, venue as of yet unknown.

And I started stressing right away. Where? Why on earth did I bring it up even? Does anyone actually have the slightest intention of coming? Oh well.. picked a place sometime yesterday.. a place where I neither have to reserve a table and end up with just 3 measly people, or, have nowhere to place the extra people should extra people come.. at least I think it's ideal for that.. whatev.

So.. I send out an email, tell or call certain people, and create an event on Facebook, my first ever..

where exactly am I going with this.. well.. it stresses me out. I worry that the place will be too full, or no fun, that some people will come, well, me Erik and one other person and they'll be bored because no one else is there.. I worry about certain members of aforementioned gang, who have a tendency to drink too much and be kinda weird... I worry that people who I invited are wondering why the fuck I'm bothering them with a stupid invitation to something they have no interest in going to...

and other stuff.

But I am looking forward to it. I mean, even if it's just 2 or 3 of us, it's dragging us out to a place we hardly go to.. and.. well they have drinks.

I just hope I don't embarrass myself or anything...

Who needs these "friend" people anyway?

One of my friends had a birthday yesterday of all vulgar, common things. This meant that I was positively forced to go out and drink with him of course. I was "literally" roped into staying out and having beer after beer and of course.. him having a habit of ordering shot after shot of Fernet Citrus for our jolly party of 3 was made, practically at gunpoint to down every one of them.

I have a headache now.

Friends! *snorts derisively*

It's my birthday.

And this is me.. today, at 36 :Z.



Falling on a Sunday this year I decided to have my birthday do yesterday, ringing in the great day at midnight. We went bowling and... drinking. Been taking it pretty easy today.

Bring on the beer.

OMG I haven't written like, for ages! That's 3 days, but I suppose it's a good sign, not long ago, id I posted just 3 days after the last post I would have thought I was positively prolifent. Is that the word I mean? Nevermind.

I'm so glad I like beer again. I had one of those incidents last Friday that put me off beer forever. Fortunately that lasted a total of 2 days and for most of this week I've been happily indulging. Today I'll enjoy some, for no other reason than I feel like it, and it's a special day no less.

Yes, Charles Darwin, the man who invented science, and killed god dead with a single blow of his razor sharp hand is celebratig his 200th birthday today. So have a drink for Charles, who I'm sure is beaming down on the post religion, enlightened world he invented, from wherever the hell he's enjoying his birthday drink in the afterlife. Wait.. there's a logical inconsistancy there, but I can't put my finger on it.

Whatever. I'll have a drink myself even if worm eaten corpses are unable. Actually I don't think there'd be anything left for the worms by now. There's some food for thought for you there.. guffaw guffaw.

Rainbows and sparkly ponies! Sorry, felt the need to provide a little balance after that

I feel like I've been here before.

It's my birthday. There's things I could say but every birthday I've had since I've started this blog I've written about me being in my almost to mid 30s, musing on being a relatively advanced age without having achieved any of those markers of being a grownup so.. that again. It's much the same again so it's a bit of an anti-climax to make a point of being the big three five this year and I might as well stick to the traditional it's my birthday.. yay.. drink.

And post my obligatory themed self portrait.

I was going for a "mature" classic old hollywood sorta feel, but ended up with me, doing a look.. it's got to do.

Rum, cabin boys and lots o' fish..preferably tuna..

"Ahoy! me maties.. I hope you're havin' a fine day today. "

If you're wonderin' why I'm speakin' oddly it's because I'm a pirate. No really I am.

Ok, I'm just celebratin' talk like a Pirate Day! A little thin' that people do if they're nerdy enough.. and, if you know me as well as I do.. then it's quite clear that I'm more than nerdy enough.

But that's not all....

Oh what an excitin' day it is.. not only be it an internationally observed holiday for all pirates and buckos of.. it's all a very special little rascal's birthday....

She's 2 today. And in the spirit of.. well.. just spirit.. she's a pirate today too.


Oh dear another filler post.. *sighs*

Mid 30s... and what have I done?

It's my birthday, as you'd know if you read yesterday's post. I'm 33. Today is the first day of my (early) mid 30s and to commemorate I'm going to count my blessings. Here we go.

#1. I have my own place. I mentioned yesterday that I'm happy about this. I'm a grownup now, or I should be, and there should be at least one thing about my life that in some way resembles the way an adult person is supposed to be living.

#2. I have the internet, and all the wonder that goes along with it. I have a computer on which I'm able to spend a lot of my time. Sure it's not my very own computer, I share it. Sure, I don't have it in my own home, but I get to use one, with almost no restrictions.

#3. I have a camera, and a passion for using it. And the existence of Flickr, that wonderful website that has inspired me to waste spend so much of my time taking photos, coming up with better ideas for photos, blogging photos, commenting on photos, talking about photos with other people on Flickr, talking about anything whether related to photography or not to people on Flickr. Though, I don't have my own camera, and it's not the greatest camera, it's a pretty crappy camera actually, but nevertheless...

#4. I can get a cat now if I want. I don't have one yet, but as I have my own place (see #1) I can whenever I want to. And I will! One of these days.

#5. Friends. Ok, I don't have many of these, and actually those people who are sort of my friends are only my friends because I either have to hang around him because I work with him, or because they're his friends so they're sometimes around. Still he's not so bad. And though my boyfriend is far away, on a different continent, he still seems to like me and writes to me sometimes.

#6. Though we haven't quite achieved world peace/equality for all/and end to world hunger etc, the world sure is a much better place than it was in the olden days. In some ways. In some parts of the world anyway. And the ways in which it is better, in the places that it is, it still really isn't as much better as it should be considering the year is 2006 but still....

#7. There is NO number 7!

Now, to the 2nd part of my birthday post. What have I done to justify my 33 years on this planet?

I have lived, since my birth all those years ago in Sydney Australia in, (not including Sydney, Australia itself) Česke Budějovice (sort of, for a while, and in a small village outside of it for some of that time), Dublin, Edinburgh, London and Prague. That's quite a lot of places.

And in that time, in those places I've.... um I've.

Oh look. I've lived in 6 different cities, in 4 different countries on 2 different continents. Give me a break already! I'm supposed to have DONE something while I was there? And there, and there and there?

Well, maybe I've sort of achieved a little. I have built up a business which I pretty much live on now (although I'm intending on getting a job, and this time it will be soon), and I pretty much learnt all I needed to about making websites and all that along the way, as I needed it. It's not a particularly well run business, in fact it's a shambles, and my knowledge of html and the like isn't enough to get me a job making websites for other people, it's just what I need to know for what I do.

I've been in some films. Not a real film, just some student and amateur ones. I've done some stage work, not like a real play, with a script and proper role or anything, but I've done stuff on stage, (or in a cafe) like sing badly, or improvise badly.

And I've also taken lots of photos, I've written lots of stuff. I've learnt a lot of new things because somebody put it up on the internet. I've met people, gone to bars, gone to restaurants, walked around, had sex with people, had arguments, moved house a bunch of times...

I think I'll have that beer now.