I may become a biblical scholar after all..

you know, I've tried once or twice to read the bible..  you know that book that's supposed to be the central whatsit of that big religion thing that so many people in the world, and specifically any part of the world I've ever lived in (at least culturally if not very much in the following it properly way of things, not here where I live now anyway, but whatev) make such a big deal about but.. I got as far as genesis.. something something, very early. They start going on about someone begat someone and I start to snooze.

I mean it's not that I have the most honorable intentions for reading the thing. I've already decided it's rubbish, and the whole religion it (well partly, along with the whole institution of the or various churches which is/are not necessarily entirely true to the bible, if random stuff I read has any truth to it) er.. yeah the religion that follows it is at best something that has no value for me, and at worst an oppressive, murderous, regime which wants to control everyone.. and mostly somewhere in between, but I don't care to follow it, or indeed believe in the basic premise of a magic guy up there who controls everything who is simultaneously super nice but also a total dick. My main reason for wanting to know what's actually in the thing, apart from the best known stories that most people know is.. well, just knowing stuff. It's a load of rubbish but it's an important load of rubbish to the western world, and it's good to know something about what people believe, if most of the time it's filtered through various writings by preachers over the ages but anyway. And it can tell us something about the people and the culture of the time it was written.

Just what am I bleeding raving on about already! Well it's this. The Brick Testament. The bible told with lego people. It's awesome.

Who's your daddy?

Time for one of my favourite pastimes, that age old one of plucking an obscure verse from a holy text and twisting it's meaning (or in some cases by a an amazing coincidence getting it spot on) and use it to justify genocide, oppression or unusual sex acts involving furry costumes.. though as far as I know nobody's ever used the bible for the last one, but I could be mistaken. Let's just get on with it. I got this one from this site, cos the one I was using before doesn't seem to do it anymore.

Isa 26:4-5 "Trust in the LORD forever, For in YAH, the LORD, is everlasting
strength, For He brings down those who dwell on high, The lofty city; He lays it
low, He lays it low to the ground, He brings it down to the dust"

a) You see, you should worship god because he's a just an honorable sort of chap, he'll give you all sorts of goodies, a long life, nice house and all that shit.. just as long as you worship him and believe everything he says without question and spend your life grovelling to him. Otherwise he'll strike you dead with lightning or something.. seems fair to me.

b) God rules everything. He is all powerful. He can kill you and destroy everything you know.. in fact, he might just do it for a whim. You never know. He can just snap his fingers and the world is a goner, if he just gets displeased or something.. and that's why you gotta trust him. I know.. it doesn't make sense. Just don't ask.

c) God will STRIKE ye down in a SECOND if he so wishes.. so ye must OBEY all that is written by HIM. Which means be a right wing money making gay and non white people hating christian, preferably from Texas or somewhere similar. Oh and we like the womens to keep quiet.. so keep yer womens quiet. If ye are a womens then SHUT UP!

Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about. Whatevs.

Yes, this is completely fucking retarded.

So I'm going to post it.

Boreded Cieling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded the skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated it.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed the skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat
called no waterz urths and waters oscunz. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weed. (and catnipz 2, so wen i makes kittehs they can getz hai.)13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat
screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez
day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry
createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes,
so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthx bai.

And no, this is not substance.

Who needs God when you've got these?

Looks like I'm not the only one out there who likes to translate the Holy Word for the laypeople out there. This is something that's been seen on a t-shirt in American schools recently.

God loves you a whole lot John 3:16

In case you're wondering what the original(KJV) text is..

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that
whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

True, one way of interpreting that is that God kinda likes you, in letting you live forever and all, but there are a few important points to consider.

First we need to remember that god created the universe and everything in it.

Second. It's not just that you get to live forever if you believe, it's that you get to go to heaven. And if you don't go to heaven you automatically go to Hell, which is everlasting torture.

So, with those two things in mind, we've got this God that made everything, including people. We didn't ask to be created, we just were. He makes us the way we are, puts us where he puts us so we only have so much choice in what we do with our lives, and certainly what we believe. He made a place called Hell for some unexplained reason, where each and every one of us is destined, also for some unexplained reason, due to the fuckups of the first two people he conjured.

One day after thousands of years he felt kinda bad that everyone had to suffer forever and he sent himself to earth as his own son, and for some unexplained reason had to suffer and die in the place of humanity, to let them into heaven (avoid hell). And then he came back to life again.

And now, we're allowed to avoid our destiny of eternal torture (which we deserve, according to god, who made us) if we accept this wonderful gift. If we don't we go to hell, but that's our own fault, considering the great lengths god went to let us avoid going there.

What a great guy!

God is with us...

Being a Wednesday, the proper time for him to be hanging around. On this blog anyway.. the rest of the time he seems to be conspicuously absent, I suspect this is due to a chronic case of non-existence, but some seem to disagree with me there. Anyway...

REV 22:1... "And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb."

a) You see God, (in spite of all that murder, genocide, bigotry, misogyny and all that other lovely stuff) is pure. Pure like water that hasn't got any muck in it. When he murders it's the right thing to do because the very definition of right is what God says is right, and God can do no wrong so if He does it it's right. Capisce?

b) And he brought me to a beautiful place, where the sun shone, the birds sang and there was a beautiful crystal clear lake, with bunnies and lambs frolicking around without a care in the world.. the water looked so inviting, so we tore off all our clothes and jumped in... along with the fishes which were our friends, and the bunnies and lambs jumped in too, to join the fun, and we had a lovely picnic under the water... and built a city where we all lived in harmony and happiness..

c) When God takes a piss, he really takes a piss.

Carry on..

The mind, it just boggles...

I'm spending this Wednesday with God, which I've rather neglected of late. To those of you unfamiliar with my work of old, it's when I pick a random bible verse and come up with a few different interpretations of it. For example...

John 18:26... "One of the servants of the high priest, being his kinsman
whose ear Peter cut off, saith, Did not I see thee in the garden with him? 18:27
Peter then denied again: and immediately the cock crew."

a) Er, some guys are in a garden together, one of them who had his ear cut off by some perverted cunt and they're acting as if it's just some matter of fact thing, and a rooster crows. I'm sorry but what kind of sick fuck cuts someone's ear off? That's just not normal.

b) Sorry, all I can think of is porn, and some pretty sick stuff too.

c) He he, he said "cock crew".

Add yours in comments if you wish.

Now for the fun part, adding tags.