should I write, should i what?

well.. all this whining on the rare occasions i show up here without really giving details is getting old. Problem is, without doing that, what the hell do I write? I could go into details, maybe I have to, thing is, I don't want to, I really don't want to now. Because things are fucked, really really fucking fucked. I'd say I've descended into the depths of fuckedness but that would be inviting things to fall even further, because they can, they always can, and they usually do. Things is, it's not all that bad so if I go into details, not that it makes all that much difference once I've already declared that yes, things really are shit, whatever they are, but then I'll get all this (at least a bit of it from probably at least one person) seriously concerned and giving suggestions that a: I've thought of and b:e just aren't going to work because things, and I don't have to explain my reasons for everything and meanwhile not actually being able to help because in this case none of you are near enough and that's cool because I know most people just can't, so great, and I know you would all help if you could and already get points for that.. sorry, been a bit like that already and it's a tiny bit annoying and I know it's awful to complain about it because people really are just concerned and want to be helpful. So, I'm currently "between homes" which is kind of a pain, to put it Britishly, and my cats, which were getting a bit numerous and out of hand for anyone without a country estate anyway have gone to live somewhere else, and I miss them terribly. And my stuff is still on the stairs of my old building and taking time getting moved for general reasons which is really getting on my nerves. So that's how it is. I think I gave enough details there.

A river in Egypt

I don't consider myself a very grown up person. Usually I try to put a positive spin on it, convince myself that I'm fun loving, youthful and all that, but I'm also immature in the less positive ways. I'm not responsible, at all. I don't really think about this too much, most of the time, but I'm aware. As far as my immaturity level goes I'd figure it's nothing unusual for a young-ish (ie under 60 or 70 or whatever age is still considerably higher than mine) in this day and age but when I get to thinking about it, as I am then I realize that's not true. I'm a fucking child. I'm incapable of behaving in a responsible manner, even a little bit responsible. Oh I have my moments. When by a random stroke of luck I get some job that the universe lets me hold on to for a bit I tend to show up and do what I'm told, and I buy food and supplies when there's a regular cash flow, ie when I have the aforementioned inexplicable sort of lasting employment, and I wash dishes. Sort of regularly at least when there's hot running water. That's about it. If it gets a bit hard to get look for/get/keep a job, it doesn't happen. If there are papers to deal with, bills growing, official shit to sort out I ignore it. I can't face shit like that. And if there's something looming on the horizon that's inevitable and completely and utterly fucked and the only way to fix or at least minimize the damage is to face it, work and do something about it, well I don't. I stay out of it, keeping myself in the dark until the last minute, hoping that what I sort of know is true isn't really true and something magical at the last minute will happen to save me. Well it's the last minute. Or near the last minute I don't really know. That's how irresponsible I am. Yeah, don't know what my future holds but as far as I know it's happening soon. Like 3 days, one day, like I said I don't know. I'd ask and be sure but who wants that?

Waiting for..

My problems are, in the greater scheme of things, pretty small. And I'm not just talking about the shame of whining about my First World problems when millions live in squalor, ridden with disease in a war torn zones... no, mine are pretty crappy compared to your typical adult Westerner. Still, they bother me.

There's this thing at the moment. A stupid thing that I caused by my own stupidity by being stupid. All my fault! Like everything that's crap in my life, can't blame anyone. Anyway, it's a thing, and whatever the worst is, it'll be a pretty small thing, that is something that wouldn't be such a big deal, a minor annoyance at best for a regular grown up, but for me, it's like.. I'm in trouble!! Stuff might happen!

And the worst most likely won't happen. Most likely it will be somewhere halfway between that and nothing, but.. I don't know! So I'm waiting for whatever might (but most likely won't) happen to happen. Any second (within a certain number of daytime hours on weekdays) someone might knock at the door, and it might be something that I really really don't like. And I don't like that.

So it sucks. And not only that, I'm making a big song and dance about, not nothing, but something that's puny, pathetic, pitiful. A storm in a teacup. And it's embarrassing. Well it would be if I gave more details. Not enough obviously for me to publish (sans details of course) it right here. So yeah.. just another crappy thing to put a crappy cherry on this crap Sunday that is... well, most of this year (apart from the week in Eilat, pretty much) so far.