Stuck in the middle of nothing.

It's another long weekend here in a string of long weekends. It makes not much difference to me, in my room on my computer, except that I wait longer for the world to turn back on.

Longer to not know what is to become of me. Just when I thought I was out of the woods. Not that I know what's so bad about the woods, I think the woods are quite nice, but I suppose that they traditionally
have wolves and other predators that I'd be better off keeping a safe distance from, so I should get out of them. I tried, and I thought I'd succeeded but, to inject other oft used metaphor, I counted my chickens which were very close or seemed about to hatch. They didn't, I mean they might still but it's taking time.

Really it was too good to be true, I succeeded in no less than 3 things in quite a short amount of time, with other opportunities in the background, which turned out not to work out, but by the time I knew that I had a few other notches under my belt (sorry, I think that one is both inappropriate and incorrect as well as being overkill) so I was able to throw off a couple of rejections with a pragmatic shrug. I got lazy (not a huge deviation for me) and didn't scour the internet for more opportunities with quite the gusto I had been, because well, I didn't need to anymore.

And now I sit here, waiting, wondering if any of it will actually turn into anything. I have anywhere between one and 6 jobs, if you include stuff that I've done and could do but probably won't again very soon, stuff that I do occasionally, stuff that I might do occasionally if I get lucky, something I did and thought I'd be invited to do again sooner than the time between then and now, 2 things I've negotiated and communicated about but haven't done yet and... that's it really. And the one that I most confidently say I have, that's not a sure thing.

So who knows. I could be doomed. It sounds bad but I've been doomed before and I seem to have survived it.

It's that time of year..

where people who depend entirely on the summer busy season for their livelihood will have to find something else to do in the not summer and subsequently not as busy season in order to earn something that can realistically be considered a livelihood. I'm one of those people.

Working Day

It's Monday, yet again and time to get to work!

Yes, I'm getting to that. Not, work necessarily, as in going to a location where I perform tasks which it has been heretofore agreed upon that I will do for the benefit of receiving a certain amount of money for a specific period of time, or per task or group of tasks. Nor is it work in the sense that I do a particular thing that is of use to someone somewhere for which I receive again, a certain amount of money etc etc.. and make a habit of it, ie, what is often referred to as "working for oneself". No, it's neither of those kinds of work. Important point being, no money is procured out of any of this.

It is also not work in the sense that I'm trying to, by way of modern forms of communication find out if well.. anyone out there, who's willing and able to pay, needs the application of skills I am in possession of. No, not doing that. I should be, in fact, I intend to be all the time, it just somehow doesn't happen.

This Monday (as most Monday are) has been more of a.. well, thinking about getting those particular things done and feeling worse about not doing them and worrying more, than I do say, by Thursday or so. It shouldn't really make a difference. The few and far between listings of anything I could actually do, which is also something that doesn't require a whole lot of or (or usually any) experience or qualifications which I usually (let's just say never) don't have, which is also something that I'm confident enough about being able to do that I won't definitely screw it up due to nerves, and just as I'm starting to feel ok about it, and I'm being stupid about being so paranoid they're going to dump me any minute, I get the gentle message that.. sorry dear, it's not working out can show up any day of the week, though not many weeks, as one might imagine.

So yeah, didn't do that. I did clear the computer a bit though, swept the floor a bit, and edit some photos, and I wrote this so the fact I didn't work, look for work, edit any of the about 20 by now videos, movies or shows we've filmed, do any language practice, go out into the world and walk, take photos or anything, look up monologues, classes, read something educational, make lists about all the things I should be doing so I remember to do them and allocate days or times for particular things so I don't feel like I should be doing all of it in one day so I never do any of it.. is.. um, where was I? Yeah.

I think I need to use shorter sentences. I think I'm confusing myself.