and back to square..

I don't know. I had a big thing to do today which would get me one step closer to having it all sorted out. Not to get rid of the thing I have to worry about, the one that's more a worry as opposed a thing I need to do that's a bit fiddly and annoying to get out of the way which was what the thing today was, or the other thing I have to worry about which isn't my thing but it's still a thing I have to worry about due to my involvement with the worryee in that case.. so... I went to do the thing, you know, the thing that wasn't a thing to worry about, but a kind of annoying fiddly thing that I need to get out of the way to finally be properly official. Well.. it turned out to be something that I have to worry about, which is an actual worry. And all the other worries are still there. No update on those.. Kind of a sucky day.

a bit o' action here

Yesterday my city was in the news. The proper news that is, the one that goes all around the world. There was an explosion, heard all throughout the center.. well, nothing (at this point there has been no foul play discovered) sinister.. just an unfortunate, er, mishap. Gas explosion.. o course, those have been happening with some regularity recently so.. who knows. *looks around suspiciously* No one has been reported dead, thank goodness, though up to 40 people are injured. It could have been much worse and for that I suppose we should be thankful. My personal involvement was knowing 2 people who were in the center who heard the explosion.. a whole lot of early contradicting reports and walking by here.. Not a lot to see.. just a closed street, police and a bunch of gawkers. *shakes head at gawkers* I mean.. what's the world coming to?

I should write.

I haven't been so much. No real reason, as you well know, not having anything to write about never stopped me before so.. *lets that thought wander off without finishing it* It's been generally uneventful but internally hectic. A whole lot more is bloomed, I've been relieved, depressed, anxious, basking in the warm glow of knowing that everything is just fine or is just almost.. but, there's always something else.. and there's always something that isn't as sorted out as you thought, and there's always stuff that comes back. And it's all been this week. Still.. hasn't been that bad. Went to a few auditions, performed poorly or at least not as flawlessly brilliant as I'd liked to have been and in any case haven't heard back from any of those people.. did get a small role in a short movie, with a compliment on how good I was in another short movie a year ago so.. perhaps I'm not all bad at this acting thing, though, not necessarily all good. I'm not sure I know. Still hovering in the same place regarding other things, closer to having all may papers sorted out. Weather's been nice, well until we get to the weekend, when it decides to rain.. two weeks in a row already. So like I said.. nothing to write about.

Slowly getting..

there, things together. I did achieve a fair bit.. on Monday.. and took some steps toward doing more the rest of the week. I mean, for one thing, I'm properly a proper citizen which I already was but I didn't have one particular thing that literally everyone has here.. that is citizens and because of my weird status I didn't. For ages. Now I have it. That's the thing I did on Monday.

To be fair to myself, and that's only necessary if I agree that I haven't done all that much over all this week really which I'm not entirely convinced of.. I have been doing a lot of going out and having fun this week. Well going out.. reading a play, seeing live music, not just drinking beer...

Spring is pretty much here and just in time for the weekend it's overcast and promising to rain but.. I'll probably live with that.. more guests, with whom we may party some tomorrow.. there's a big thing in a park and whether or not it rains (it will) I reckon we can have some fun with that. And it is nice, that though the sky is grey.. yes still grey and not dark after 7pm, there's still some colour, as those little things that are supposed to be on the end of the branches of the trees.. are finally showing up properly, some of them. It's a definite improvement.

Life round here..

in picture..



bit noisy, travel disrupted... at least it's nice walking weather.

Sometimes I think I'm not as clever as I think I am..

Really. It's true. And if you think that makes no sense well.. told you I wasn't that clever. Not as much as I think I am anyway.

I'm aware that I have no formal education. I know that people do judge people on that kind of thing, and well.. consider that kind of important but, it never really bothered me too much and when I say never I don't particularly remember a time I really thought about it which might be because it's not recent enough or that I never really thought about it.

Semi recently it's kind of bothered me a few times. When everyone you meet talks about when they were at uni, just in casual conversation, or more specifically about where they went to school and what they studied etc etc and it seems like.. everyone like.. did that, at least people you know who are doing clever people things, who are clever and who people consider clever.. and I start to think well there's something in that. Maybe.

And then because I didn't confront it too much for a while I didn't dwell on it really, or something like that.

I haven't mixed with people really for some time now, not since the last job or class or whatever that I did and that's been, well, like I said a while. I do spend a fair amount of time on the internet though, much of it on cleverly written sites about (semi to quite, and when not at least treating it like it is) clever stuff, by what seems like clever people who almost universally are properly educated, that is, with degrees and stuff, much of it in the comments sections and well.. I come across stuff I don't know all the fucking time! It doesn't always and didn't always bother me, some things I don't know, many people don't know these things because it's not their area of expertise or their interest or their country or their.. whatever, but sometimes it's like.. words.. words!!! I don't know the meaning of many words that these clever but not unusually so people just use in these conversations like..  you're supposed to know them! I look them up sometimes but it doesn't help the feeling that it's something that I should have just known.. and people get into conversations about philosophers or certain writers or movements in.. whatever, like.. you're just expected to know that.. and I don't! I could look it up of course but.. same again, rinse repeat or whatever the kids are saying nowadays in reference to such situations.

I know that I notice these things because they're the things I don't know, and the many people out there who also don't know them aren't writing about them, and there is much I do know, at least when it comes to nerdy stuff like words and certain (pretty limited but still covering some not so universally known stuff) about literature.. and whatever so, perhaps I'm just, somewhere in there, not so close to the top but not anywhere near the bottom of generally clever. I don't know, sometimes I feel that I'm a bit dense on certain subjects, largely because of the lack of formal education, which wouldn't bother me so much except for that I've always (and by always I'm covering the time I mentioned up there somewhere, from the time as far back as I can remember when it never bothered me, to some point where it first bothered me) thought I didn't miss out so much because of it, not the not having a degree that can get one gainful employment bit, but that I wasn't intellectually um.. less and stuff to those who had gone to uni, due to being like.. clever and well read and stuff.

I think now maybe that's not true, and there are things like.. what the hell Kant is all about, that I don't know, and it seems as though people, not just the particularly super clever ones that normal people don't worry to much about keeping up with, but regular ones albeit those who are schooled do. Overall it makes very little difference in my life, but, oh I dunno.. whatever.

It's always something..

isn't it?

For almost a week there I had a very strange period during which I didn't have anything major to worry about, I mean, there was nothing great going on, stuff I know that I have to do that will be pressure at some point, and well.. it was still pre the cloudy/rainy but warmer weather we're getting now.. and there was hope in the air..

Of course it couldn't last. There always has to be something, and if I'm so damn boring that even the piddling little things that stress me out majorly can't even be bothered to infiltrate my life, then, it's got to be something that affects me, via the status of another, at least.

Right now I'm feeling a bit, impermanent, kind of in limbo, sort of transient, whatever that means. I don't know what's going to happen in the near future, or where I'll be at a certain as of yet undetermined time and while it's not spectacularly terrible, or really terrible it all, I just really would like to not have to think about it all.. there's a spring coming, finally, I have stuff to do that I'm happy to get busy working on, and well things are or at least could be pretty good here if we just... if it just was simpler.

It would be so much easier if it was.

It might be a seasonal thing..

but it seems like things are happening.

and when I say seasonal.. I'm not trying to say for sure that the season is different than the one it was.. certainly not.. just because it was.. well..a  few degrees warmer today, and sunny, and the forecast says it will get warmer still.. and warmer still after that.. no.. no difference.. no major difference.. same old thing just, possibly temporarily, slightly warmer..

but.. still.. it seems.. somehow..

I'm not sure what it seems.. it's probably nothing. Did another sorta acting thing tonight.. just said some lines.. had some beers after.. it was fun.

I won't say any more.